I may have a fear of intimacy. I would probably need a shrink to tell me that before I actually believe it. Fear of intimacy is a subconscious aversion to closeness that affects personal relationships. This type of fear can be presented physically and emotionally. Some people don’t want to be touched, others don’t want to be vulnerable.
One may believe that reason why one may have a fear of intimacy is the negative outcomes that come with being vulnerable: namely being rejected. This may be the case, but fear of intimacy can also be triggered by positive emotions. In the case where someone chooses you to be their love, fear can ensue because you also love that person, but the fear deters you from maintaining that relationship. That’s my experience. I don’t have a fear of rejection, but when a special person got to close, I really didn’t know what to do.
It’s Not You, It’s Me
At the time of this relationship and at its end, I’d probably blame her for how it went down. It really had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. I felt like I had to do a deep search within myself because she was the perfect girlfriend, and I wasn’t ready. The sad truth is that the positive light that my then girlfriend saw me conflicted with the negative light I saw in myself. Since it’s difficult for love to show the reality that we are loved and negate the image we have, we show resistance to that love.
The Past Creates the Present
Where does it come from? Experts would say childhood trauma. I would say there are few things that I can think of, but I’m the type of person to keep the past in the past. Maybe it’s the case that if I know why I have a fear of intimacy, I can tackle it. Until then, I’m just trying to move forward.
The biggest thing to note is that it’s not intentional. During times of closeness, those who fear intimacy tend to react in such a way that it pushes people away. Some of the ways a person who fears intimacy would react includes withholding affection, reacting indifferent to positive reinforcement, or being hypercritical of a partner.
I’ve come to realize that love is not hard to find. It’s our mindset that makes love hard to maintain. Sometimes love is very hard to accept. I think it’s safe to say that we all want deep relationships, but someone like me who has deep-seated fears of intimacy makes it hard to maintain a personal relationship. Love brings up our defenses and makes it hard to be vulnerable. This is the fear I’ve talked about throughout this whole blog. I don’t know how to get rid of it. Maybe my deal is acceptance. I should accept that someone can love me and I deserve love.