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Your Unsolicited Advice Isn’t Helping Anyone
Not too long ago, my friend and I had a conversation about giving unsolicited advice. As someone who enjoys giving advice (it’s one of the reasons why I write these blogs), I didn’t necessarily realize how giving unsolicited advice was harmful. Consciously, I thought I was being helpful, but unconsciously I may have believed I was the one with the answers. I never really asked if she had her own answers, or whether or not she wanted to get those answers on her own. In our relationship, I did little to maintain her autonomy in this regard. My need to “help” her was more about my ego than it was about being truly supportive.
The Mind of an Advice Giver
I didn’t notice this. Not even when talking to her about my unsolicited advice, I didn’t notice it. It really didn’t sink until did some research into the mind of a person who gives advice. A person who gives advice is a person who wouldn’t otherwise wouldn’t do so unless they didn’t believe that their advice was superior. I kind of checked the box on that. I have (hopefully had) a rigid viewpoint and thought that my perspective was obviously correct, or I wouldn’t be voicing it.
It’s kind of the world we live in. Some people offer unsolicited advice all the time. We call them influencers. They tell us the best way to do our jobs and the best way to exercise. There are influencers in every aspect of our lives. Their job is to share their opinions. In most cases, they share their opinions in a way that makes us believe that their perspective is the only perspective. I think with this blog, and this book, I got caught in that. Even after writing a blog about how I didn’t want to be an influencer. I’m learning just like everyone else. I think it’s part of the reason why I have a blog and feel uncomfortable with doing any other outlet. Blogs make it easier for people to search for the content I create. I’d rather do that than be intrusive.
We’re Not Here to Fix Problems
Instead of offering my insights, I should only be seeking insight. I also wrote a blog post about how true love is a form of therapy. The only duty to perform in this dialogue is to listen in hopes of uncovering more information. The point of the conversation is to express thoughts. A good listener is someone who uncovers perspectives that may be missing as the story is being told. It’s never to fix the problem.
Not to be gender specific, but the person who typically gives unsolicited advice is a guy, like me. Giving advice is a masculine quality. masculine energy seeks order. So much so, that order and control can trump a person’s feelings. A person may see another person crying. The initial thought is that this emotion is chaos and I must bring order by offering a solution. In actuality, this person only needs to be consoled. They just needed to fully express their emotions. It’s not the prerequisite for rationality. Yet we offer an answer, not because we believe that it will solve the problem, but because we are anxious.
To summarize, offering advice is a form of control. You read that right. When we give advice that no one asked for, we are either trying to control the person’s actions, the outcome, or the person’s emotions.
No One Asked
The reason why we don’t take unsolicited advice is that we lose our sense of autonomy. We are grown adults. We’ve spent way too much time receiving advice from parents and teachers. We don’t need it at our mature age. We want to be free, which means we don’t want to be controlled by the advice of another person’s perspective. We’d rather make a mistake and deal with the consequences as long as we know that it was our mistake. We don’t want the advice, nor do we need anyone telling us, “I told you so.” It took me a bit to learn that in my own case. I don’t want to be controlled by someone else’s story. That’s the reason why I write these blogs. I’d like to think these blogs are to help others, but in truth, they are to help me. I know I just have to do a better job of keeping my opinions in these text fields and if someone asks for my perspective.
Questions and Responses
What is unsolicited advice?
Unsolicited advice is guidance or suggestions offered to someone without them asking for it. Often, it comes from a desire to help, but it can make the recipient feel disempowered or controlled. Many people prefer to figure things out on their own and feel uncomfortable when others impose their perspective without consent.
Why can giving unsolicited advice be harmful?
Giving unsolicited advice can unintentionally undermine someone’s autonomy, making them feel as if they cannot make their own decisions. It can be seen as a way of asserting control over someone else’s choices, which may lead to feelings of resentment or frustration. Moreover, it can imply that the advice-giver knows better, which can diminish the recipient’s confidence in their ability to solve their own problems.
Why do people give unsolicited advice?
People often give unsolicited advice out of a genuine desire to help. However, it’s usually driven by an unconscious belief that their perspective is superior or that they have the answers. It can also be a reflection of anxiety or discomfort in the face of another person’s struggle, as we tend to offer solutions as a way to manage our own feelings about the situation.
How is unsolicited advice connected to control?
Offering advice without being asked can be a subtle form of control. When we give unsolicited advice, we’re often trying to direct another person’s actions or influence the outcome of their situation. It can also serve as a way to manage our own discomfort by imposing order on what we perceive as chaos, like someone else’s emotions or decision-making process.
How does unsolicited advice affect relationships?
Unsolicited advice can strain relationships by creating imbalances in power and autonomy. The advice-giver may come across as overbearing, while the recipient may feel controlled or misunderstood. Over time, this dynamic can erode trust, as the person receiving advice may no longer feel comfortable sharing their problems for fear of being “fixed” rather than heard.
How can I be supportive without giving unsolicited advice?
The most supportive thing you can do is to listen actively and ask questions that help the person express themselves fully. Offering empathy and emotional support can often be more helpful than giving advice. Instead of jumping in with solutions, focus on validating their feelings and helping them uncover their own insights.
Is unsolicited advice more common in certain social contexts?
Yes, unsolicited advice is prevalent in many social settings, especially in the age of influencers, social media, and self-proclaimed experts. In these environments, people often share their opinions as if they are universal truths, which can make it seem like there’s a right way to live, work, or solve problems. However, not every situation calls for advice, and every individual has their own path to follow.
What is the connection between masculinity and unsolicited advice?
In some contexts, giving unsolicited advice has been associated with traditional masculine traits, such as the desire to bring order or solve problems. Masculine energy often seeks control and structure, which can manifest as a tendency to offer solutions rather than emotional support. While this isn’t exclusive to men, the stereotype persists that men are more likely to jump in with advice, even when it isn’t requested.
How can I recognize when I’m about to give unsolicited advice?
Be mindful of your motivations before offering advice. Ask yourself if the person has explicitly asked for your perspective or if you’re stepping in because you’re uncomfortable with their situation. Practice pausing and considering whether the advice will truly benefit the person or if it’s more about alleviating your own discomfort or asserting control over the situation.
How can I set boundaries when someone gives me unsolicited advice?
If you’re receiving unsolicited advice and find it unhelpful, it’s important to set clear and respectful boundaries. You can say something like, “I appreciate your input, but I’d prefer to figure this out on my own.” This lets the other person know that you value their support, but you’d rather have the space to make your own decisions.