seaside

Three Months Away From the Garden

Three months ago, I left the Garden of Eden. No, it wasn’t as perfect as the actual garden, but it was my paradise for the last five years. A paradise I definitely took for granted. A lot of that had to do with my ego. I believe that the unconscious mind is the reason for our suffering and the reason why I left my paradise was because I wasn’t aware of my own ego. I’m very much aware now. With that awareness, I’ve come to realize how my ego got in the way of staying. At the same time, leaving was a blessing because without the departure, I would have never been able to reflect on my past and realize that the choices that I made weren’t out of love, but out of my own selfishness. With my newfound awareness, I would like to make amends for my selfish actions.

Leading with Love

I would like to apologize for any time that put down anyone’s work because I felt that it could be better, or that I could have done a better job. I always had a mentality that things could be better, but I never considered that I may not come from my heart, but my head. Of course things could be done better, but it shouldn’t come without love and understanding. Sometimes I would complain about the least important thing because I was thinking optimization of a task, but not thinking about how I should be kind and patient towards to the ability of the other person.

Love is Patient

One of the proponents of love is patience, and I did not have that. I was the one pushing things through, but again it wasn’t out love. It was out of ego. I complained when things couldn’t be done on the arbitrary timeline that I had. For that, I’m sorry.

Love Does Not Envy

I’m sorry for being envious of the people above me. I always felt that I was capable of doing the jobs of my superiors, which is never a good thing. I’ve realized that we are all in the position that we are in by nature, and we all have a part to play in. I’m not better than anyone, nor is anyone better than me. I should not be envious of anyones position, and I believe that was ultimately the reason why I left my paradise… for position. Someone else had the position that I coveted. This is a decision I made with my head and not my heart. Prior to that, I may have made people feel inadequate because of my envy. I maybe said something that wasn’t from love, but was because of my personal frustrations, which I now know weren’t worth leaving. For that I’m sorry.

Love Does Not Boast, It is Not Proud, It Does Not Dishonor Others

I’ve come to realize that writing that letter was a mistake. It didn’t come from love. It came out of ego. The letter was the icing on the cake of all of the selfish natured actions that let up to my departure from paradise. It was a mistake because I was a person who pride myself on not boasting. If that’s not an oxymoron, then I don’t know what is. Instead of boasting in public, I seethed in private. Because of a large sum of money that I thought that I deserved, it blew up in the form of a letter that should have never been written. I don’t want to talk about my achievements, I shouldn’t have put people down in the process, and I think what I was looking for was appreciation, but that wasn’t the right way to go about it. In order to get appreciation, you must show appreciation and that was the biggest mistake of them all. I’m truly sorry for that letter. I’m sorry for anyone who felt disrespected, or was disrespected because I’m more in tune to how negatively this letter would be perceived. I hope that those involved could forgive me for being proud and dishonorable in the making of that letter.

Love is Not Self Seeking

The reason why I left paradise had nothing to do with love. It was all about me. It was self-seeking. Self-seeking a title, a large payout, and any other thing that was for my self and not others. This is how I change. I have to make a conscious effort to make sure that each decision that I make is based out of love and not ego. Not only does that mean love for others, but also love for myself.

When I reflect on paradise, I’m very sad to have left it, but also grateful that this experience has happened because I would have never waken up to what got me here. I would have never been able to reflect on my past actions, and I wouldn’t have ever mustered up the courage to say I was wrong. That’s from my heart. The next step for me as I continue my journey is to find paradise again, and not take it for granted. I know I will with this renewed way of thinking. I know the journey ahead for me will be difficult, but as long as I consciously choose love, I know that I’ll be okay. If you think this letter is something that you think someone else can resonate with, please pass it on.