There’s always a sensation in the body when we don’t want to do something we believe we are obligated to do. You know the feeling.
It could be a demanding family member, a project you don’t care for, or a social obligation.
Everything in your body clenches. You can feel the anxiety in your chest. Your entire being is screaming “No!”
But after the scream, an entirely new sensation hits. It’s the feeling of guilt. It’s the belief that if you don’t do what someone else wants you to do, then you are selfish.
You believe that saying no could shatter someone else’s world. We don’t want to kill their happiness. For whatever reason, we feel responsible for the emotional state of those who are around us.
We’ve come to define love as mutual sacrifice. In this framework, we prove how much we love someone by how much peace we are willing to give up for another. Consequently, we are taught to ignore our inner alignment in favor of external expectations.
Tell me if I’m wrong, but this type of love basically says, “I will give up what I want so you will give up what you want, and together we will be miserable, but fair.”
This love comes with a loss of freedom. It says that if you aren’t suffering, then you aren’t truly caring. I’ve come to notice that caring can lead to much of our suffering.
To say yes with your lips, but no in your mind, creates a split. You might be sacrificing for love, but the love only comes with resentment. So we do what we don’t want to do, subtly blaming our discomfort on the person who asked.
The Manipulation in People-Pleasing
This section is going to be a bit spicy. The intention behind wanting to stop people-pleasing is the realization that one is losing oneself to others’ expectations. No one tends to mention that the reason they started people-pleasing was that they wanted something in return.
People-pleasing is not an act of charity. It’s image management to those who survive off the opinions of others.
Let’s break down the strategy. A person pleaser believes that if they can make you happy with them, then they won’t be judged. The pleaser uses people as a shield against their own self-condemnation.
By anticipating needs and sacrificing your own to meet them, you buy safety. It’s a transaction, not goodwill. You are giving them your compliance in exchange for their approval. Please do tell how this could be love?
The weakness in perception can go both ways. Not only do people-pleasers believe that they have to work for someone’s approval, but they also believe in the weakness of the other person. The people-pleaser believes that the person they are helping will collapse without their intervention.
To anticipate one’s “needs” is to validate one’s lack. True help recognizes the other’s inherent wholeness and power. Guilt-based help insists on their helplessness.
One might then believe that choosing oneself is the solution to people-pleasing. However, this idea depends on the fallacy that peace and love are a pie. The more you give to those who ask, the less you have for yourself.
This zero-sum game is the root of all conflict. It suggests that your well-being is a threat to theirs. If saying no brings you peace, that same peace is available to everyone in the world, including the person you said no to. To sacrifice thus means you are competing with the other, fighting for scraps of peace. The perception is up to you.
The Indivisibility of Peace
Peace can’t be cut into pieces and shared like a loaf of bread. If you take a slice, it doesn’t mean that there’s less peace for someone else.
As a result, this means that you can’t steal peace from your mom, your spouse, or your boss by saying no to their demands. Their peace is not your responsibility.
When you choose to align with your inner being rather than outer expectation, you aren’t taking anything from anyone. If anything, you are allowing the other person the opportunity for autonomy. You are also giving them an example of what it might look like for them to choose peace in their given circumstances.
Yet, we may feel guilty about the outcome of saying no. The person’s anger, tears, or coldness is seen as proof that we’ve hurt them.
No one can be hurt by the truth. It’s not that you said no. They are merely offended because you decided not to play the game of guilt. They are reacting to the loss of power to manipulate you through guilt.
Your innocence is reaffirmed through the fact that you have no power to damage this person, no matter how much their ego may protest. They have access to the same peace that you do. It’s up to them to choose it.
Choosing Yourself
Choosing yourself does not give one the right to be rude, selfish, or egotistical. True choosing is discernment, not defiance.
Stepping back from the obligation doesn’t mean that I matter more than you. It says I have the right to decide whether this activity is meaningful to me.
The undoing of people-pleasing requires an entirely new perspective. The radical shift may be a question you can ask. Instead of saying, “Will saying no hurt their feelings?” you can ask, “Is this action leading towards the integrity of who I am?”
Your commitment to the truth is the only truly kind thing. It’s the kindest thing you can give to the other person, regardless of their reaction towards it.
This leads to the next step: believing we are responsible for others’ reactions. We are not responsible for the feelings of others because we are not (nor should we pretend that we are) the authors of someone else’s book.
We also have to realize their guilt trips, judgments, and disappointment aren’t actually from them either. It’s years of conditioning and programming that lead us to believe this is the right way to react.
There should be no obligation to keep someone else comfortable.
To Be of True Service
A yes to an unwanted obligation isn’t virtue, it’s hiding. When you are honest with your no, you honor yourself and the other person, refusing to build a relationship on the shaky ground of resentment and lies.
You can’t possibly be a traitor to someone unless you are simultaneously betraying yourself. You remain loyal to your truth and freedom, not another person’s whims. In doing so, you can maintain your innocence.
You can let go of the guilt because it wasn’t yours to carry.
Questions and Responses
The ego will certainly say so. It uses words like “selfish” to keep you in the guilt game. But look deeper: Is it truly “kind” to give someone a gift of resentment? Is it “loving” to lie to them with a “yes” you don’t mean? Honesty is the only true kindness. When you stop “pleasing,” you stop treating others as if they are too fragile to handle the truth. That is respect, not coldness.
Sit with that “nausea” for a moment and recognize it for what it is: an alarm clock. It is the ego’s last-ditch effort to pull you back into the dream of being a “guilty body.” Remind yourself: “This guilt is the evidence that I am challenging a lie.” The feeling isn’t proof that you did something wrong; it’s proof that you are breaking a habit of self-betrayal. Let it vibrate, but don’t let it lead.
You are ignoring their ego’s demands, not their soul’s needs. A soul never “needs” you to sacrifice your peace. When you choose your inner alignment, you are actually teaching your loved ones that their happiness doesn’t have to depend on you. You are handing them their own freedom back. You cannot “save” them from their own emotions, but you can stop participating in the illusion that you are the cause of them.
When you have witnessed the end of a contract, not the end of love. If a relationship requires you to be a version of yourself that doesn’t exist, it wasn’t a relationship; it was a role. If they walk away because you chose the Truth, they are simply looking for a new “hostage” to play the game with. Bless their journey, but do not follow them back into the dark. Your only loyalty is to the Light within.
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