woman covering her face with her hands

How Shame Shapes Who We Are

The emotions of anger and sadness are easily spotted because they are expressed outwardly, if not already felt inwardly. The intention of shame is more sneaky. Shame doesn’t have outbursts like anger, nor does it shed tears like sadness. Unlike anger or sadness, shame goes deeper than merely judging the situation; it involves a deeper level of introspection. Anger and sadness say, “This is wrong.” Shame says, “I am wrong.” Not only are we not allowing the situation to be what it is, but we also aren’t allowing ourselves to be ourselves because we have this notion of being bad or wrong.

Split Personality

As we previously discussed, shame can easily divide us into two people. The person we are ashamed to be and the person we expected to be before we faltered. The person you expect to be rejects the person who made the mistake. Instead of treating the mistake like an external event, we tend to identify with it. We are the mistake. If this shame persists beyond the brief mistake, we begin to hide who we are simply because we deem it unacceptable.

As anger and sadness tend to be a resistance against reality, shame believes that reality is resistant to us. This version of us is not supposed to live in this reality. Some of us believe in our shame so much that we wish not to live. We believe that we aren’t worthy of our existence because our existence runs counter to our expectations (which happen not to be our expectations, but expectations of society). If you are familiar with banking terminology, I refer to this as compounding shame. Not only are we suffering, but we add interest in the form of shame (and guilt). The more we hold on to this debt, the bigger it gets. This idea is why we were called to forgive our debts.

Shame Creates Community?

There’s irony when it comes to shame. Shame is not natural. Babies aren’t born with shame. It’s taught. Children are taught to shame their natural impulses by the facial expression a parent makes, from an absence of comfort in a stressful situation, or from a rule that they didn’t know that they were breaking. Again, ironically, shame is the glue that binds us together within a community. Most calls to belonging rarely have much to do with true love. Many of us are shamed into our family, friends, and work dynamics. We tell ourselves that to be loved, we have to get rid of the unlovable parts. The truth is that our “unlovable” aspects are judged based on the discomfort of other people.

What does this striving to be loved look like? Most times, it comes in the form of perfectionism. We can also see it in the form of people-pleasing, harsh self-talk, and self-sabotage. All these forms hold the same intention, which says, “I’m not allowed to take up space as I am.” So, we try to remove the “bad” and overcompensate the “good.” We do this to protect ourselves from the feeling of being unworthy.

Everyday Performances

When shame takes hold of our everyday life, we aren’t able to see what is true. Every aspect of our life becomes a performance in which we play a defined role to ensure the comfort of other people. We don’t need Instagram to realize that we are living our lives through a filter, only allowing the good parts of ourselves to be seen and hiding the rest.

Shame shouldn’t be seen as a negative intention but as a signpost to something greater. The body keeps the score, so when we feel shame, we constrict. We have less energy, our breath tightens, and our eyes turn downward. When we are aware of this happening to us, we should also realize that we aren’t living our full truth. There’s something within us that we refuse to bring to the light.

Questions and Responses

What makes shame different from anger or sadness?

Shame differs from anger and sadness in that it internalizes blame. While anger says “this is wrong” and sadness says “this hurts,” shame whispers, “I am wrong.”

How does shame affect our identity?

Shame can create a split in our sense of self, between who we are and who we think we should be. Over time, this internal conflict may lead us to hide our true selves.

Can shame be learned?

Yes, shame is often taught indirectly through facial expressions, unmet needs, or social rules. It’s not innate; it’s something we pick up through life experiences.

How does shame influence behavior?

Shame can lead to perfectionism, people-pleasing, and self-sabotage as we try to compensate for what we believe are “unlovable” parts of ourselves.

Is shame always harmful?

Not necessarily. Shame can serve as a signpost pointing toward areas where we’re not living in alignment with our truth. Awareness of shame can lead to healing.