We have a very shallow definition of sexual self worth when it comes to relationships. When we are courting someone, our efforts come in the form of sex appeal, beauty, and attractiveness. We use these shallow forms of identification to find a deeper love. There’s a bit of self awareness when it comes to the most vulnerable part; sex. No matter the quantity of sex, people are looking for that intimacy. So what happens when people get ghosted, or the desire to have sex is no longer there?
In this case, people would typically see their self worth lessen, believing that they are no longer beautiful or attractive. We feel as though only when the person we like comments on the sexy photo we sent, only then do we have any value. the forwardness of getting into bed with someone becomes validation. This type of thinking sets up disappointment and pain for someone when the feelings aren’t mutual. The inability to predict the reaction of our partner bring questions of insecurity like, does he still like me? Am I still attractive? Is she seeing someone else?
The answer to the question of sexual inactivity may have nothing to do with you, even though you may put all the emphasis there. Your partner might be busy, or struggling with their own issues. The only way you would know is if you have open communication about the subject.
Disconnecting Self Worth From Sexuality
What if I were to tell you that your sexuality and your self worth were independent? We aren’t taught that sexuality has nothing to do with your attraction and everything to do with who you are as a person. We have just been inundated with pictures of sexy women and sexy mena and we call that sex. Truth is, inside we hold our own values and curiosities about sex. It’s up to you to be comfortable with that sexuality.
You Are Your Best Lover
One way to detach your self worth from your sexuality is knowing that you are your best lover. The validation of sexual desire should come from you. Practice self love. Maybe that even means physically, so you know how best you like being pleasured. This goes for people who are not in a relationship. You might feel lonely, but you still have yourself. Before you love anyone, you have to love yourself.
Seek Partners Willing to Explore Sexually with You
You may need to find a partner who is as sexually innate as you are. Find someone who is willing to explore and love the entire body. Someone who is willing to love you inside and outside the bed. This is the type of person who also encourages independence and self care, along with spending as much time with you. Set this expectation at the onset with clear communication and intent for the relationship.
Understand When Sex is Being Used as a Tool to Degrade Self Worth
Sex isn’t a bartering tool. We might feel this way because of the relationship we have with our significant other, but we should always feel as though the power of sex belongs to us. Sex shouldn’t be the reason why you decide to lose weight, shave body hair, or even try that new position. These actions, and way more, should decide on how you feel, not the perception of someone else.
The biggest theme from this article is loving yourself and having constant communication with your partner. You are the only one that can hold your standard, so don’t let anyone belittle you in the name of sexual frustration. When you are having sex, be present. Enjoy the moment because thinking of inadequacies is just going to end up in bad sex and most likely, a bad relationship.