I was having dinner with a friend when she said something interesting. She said that people on the West Coast tend to be nice but not kind, while people on the East Coast tend to be kind but not nice.
I never really thought of those things as a duality. After she said that, I began to contemplate who I am. I think people who’ve seen me but don’t really know me consider me not too nice.
I think it’s more perception than it is reality. If you got to know me, you would know that I try my hardest to be kind. If we have a bond, you have my kindness for life.
Often, people use the words “nice” and “kind” interchangeably. I’ve come to realize that these two words are very different in terms of intention.
Being nice is a self-centered behavior that serves only to please others. We are only nice to make people like us. In comparison, kindness is selfless, acting in the best interest of others.
Don’t believe me. Look for yourself. We can Google the definition of both these words to see the difference.
nice/nīs/adjective
- pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory.
kind/kīnd/adjective
- having or showing a friendly, generous, and considerate nature.
You might think these two definitions are the same, but two keywords set them apart. The first is agreeable. When people are nice, they are only doing so to conform to what others consider nice.
In comparison, we see the word ‘nature’ in the definition of ‘kind,’ which means that this friendliness, this generosity, comes from within, regardless of outside influences. Kind people don’t conform; they act in love, guided by genuine love for their people.
Niceness is Rooted in Fear
The idea of being nice comes from our tribal ancestry. You can also see it in animals that survive in packs or groups today. The weakest individual in the pack is basically required to be nice to his/her superior in order to survive. If not, they risk being left behind by the group. Another word for ‘nice’ in this case is ‘submissive’.
Let’s take it to the group dynamics that we might share in everyday life. If you have a leader who tends to “kill” everyone they don’t like, the typical response is to be nice to this person.
We please this person so that we get on his/her good side. If we eventually become friends with this person, it’s less likely that we will be ostracized by the leader. We might even gain power by association. Can you see how being nice is rooted in fear?
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized why girls don’t like nice guys and why we have sayings like, “nice guys finish last.”
Being nice is a form of manipulation. If you’re forever agreeable with a potential date, your niceness is simply a manipulation to get the person across the table to like you. They can smell the inauthenticity all over you. Worst, they can smell the fear. That’s the worst type of body odor.
The Dishonest Nature of Niceness
When we look at being nice in this way, we see that this behavior is also rooted in dishonesty. Being nice usually involves submitting to the will of another person or of society as a whole. When we are nice, we tend to hide our true selves and our true expressions. We only express what others want us to express.
The dishonesty in the terms of being nice can cause great evil.
I love superhero movies. When you look at the super villain in most of these movies, you know their intention. At their core, people can be selfish, greedy, and desire power, but they are also honest about it.
You, as a person, can either agree with that person or not because you know what this person is about.
A nice person who also has the same evil intentions hides in the shadows of evilness, so people see only the surface level, not the desire behind his/her motives. The worst type of super villain is one that makes you believe that they are good.
Kindness is Rooted in Love
Going back to the definitions, we see that niceness is typically used for personal gain.
However, kindness comes from the human instinct to support. This is what we call compassion. When we talk about kindness, our initial thought is helping others. Kindness can also mean having compassion towards oneself.
When we become more of the world, that’s when we become kinder. Empathy is a key ingredient in kindness, as compassion is a byproduct of empathy.
Kindness is the emotional urge to help someone who is suffering. Emotion is not easily found in our world. That’s why it’s so easy to talk about niceness. It’s easy to articulate because it’s purely logical.
People may not know how to be kind, or what kindness even is, because they’ve never had the emotional experience. It’s the only way to learn it.
Power to the Powerless
With that being said, let’s make this distinction between being kind and being nice. By being nice, you are helping people who don’t really need your help to get things that they don’t really need.
When you’re kind, you are helping people who really need your help. Being nice is usually directed towards someone who already has power.
Sure, it’s chivalrous to open the door for a lady, but all you really did was save an ounce of effort towards something she could have done herself. Now I’m not saying to slam the door in her face, but let’s not pretend that you did your good deed for the day by leaving the door open.
The same thing goes for any superior figure. We are only nice to him/her because we don’t want this person to be angry and express selfish demands because of it.
In being nice, we also expect niceness in return. Just as opening the door made it a little easier for the lady to walk in, making sure the person in power stays happy only makes it easier for him/her not to have to deal with unwanted emotions.
I guess it also helps you stay out of trouble… if it works. In both ways, the nice person has exerted the most energy.
Be Kind, Not Nice
Kindness is directed towards people who don’t have the power to help themselves.
By giving the homeless person food, you’ve helped replenish their energy and temporarily end their hunger.
By spending time with older people, you give them a sense of comfort in their last years. When you stand up against discrimination, you give a voice to someone who may not have one.
Your service was valuable, and you’ve given power to someone who could use it.
Being nice comes with the expectation of reciprocation. We are only nice to authority, so that they are nice to us.
Kindness doesn’t require reciprocity. In most cases, the person receiving kindness isn’t in a position to give back.
Being nice doesdoesn’te with fulfillment. No one gets a tingly feeling in their heart when they hold a door open.
When it comes to kindness, it is better to give than it is to receive. The act of kindness becomes a reward in and of itself.
Questions and Responses
Niceness is a social transaction. It is an “agreeable” mask worn to ensure safety, gain favor, or avoid conflict. It is rooted in the ego’s desire to be liked. Kindness is an expression of your nature. It is a selfless movement toward the needs of others, arising from the recognition that there is no fundamental separation between “me” and “you.”
The body and mind are programmed for survival. In group dynamics, being “nice” (submissive) ensures you aren’t ostracized by the “leader” or the pack. When the mind fears being left behind or judged, it performs “niceness” as a defense mechanism. It is a strategy of the powerless to stay near power.
Yes. When the intent of an action is to force a specific reaction, such as acting agreeable so a date will like you, it is a manipulation of the present moment. It is inauthentic because it hides the Self’s true expression behind a curated image. People often sense this as “neediness” or “fear,” which is why inauthenticity is frequently met with rejection.
Often. Kindness is concerned with the well-being of the other, which sometimes requires being “not nice.” True kindness may involve speaking a difficult truth or setting a boundary that others find “disagreeable.” Niceness prioritizes the comfort of the moment; kindness prioritizes the truth of the situation.
Niceness is usually directed upward toward those who have something we want (status, safety, approval). Kindness is directed toward those who have nothing to give back. By acting without expecting reciprocation, the doer is bypassed, and a genuine transfer of support occurs.
The “person” is a collection of perceptions and stories. If you are not “nice,” it simply means you are not meeting others’ expectations. “Nothing is wrong.” The error is only in identifying with the judgment of others. If your actions are guided by compassion rather than the need for approval, the external label of “nice” is irrelevant to the silent substratum of who you are.