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The Conscious Practice of Radical Acceptance
Acceptance is a skill. A skill I was never taught. I have always valued change. I have an infatuation with “progress.” If I’m not moving forward, then I am dying. It’s also very hard to accept something when I perceive it as negative. I’ve seen many of my colleagues go through the experience of a layoff. I’m certain the last thing they want me to say is accept it. Acceptance doesn’t mean I must hide my emotions about a certain circumstance. It means to accept what the situation is and, subsequently, the emotions that come with it. I shouldn’t be ashamed of how I feel about what’s happened, yet I shouldn’t have the mindset that things could be different. I have to move forward with what has transpired.
Having a practice of acceptance is kind of scary because it means I give up control. At the same time, this sense of control is an illusion. I like to think that I have control of how my life plays out, but in most cases, I don’t. It also means that I can’t judge my situation. In my world, judging has become second nature. I must remember that every situation in my life has no meaning but the meaning I give it. I have a choice to make the circumstance positive or negative.
Regarding a layoff, I now have the opportunity to reinvent myself. I can try something I’ve never done before. I can start that business I always wanted but couldn’t because I never had time. I can spend more time with my family doing the things I love. Of course, losing a job may come with subsequent worries like financial stability, but I can only do what I can. Worrying doesn’t make what I perceive to be problems go away.
Tara Brach is the reason for this article. I’m reading her book, Radical Acceptance: Embracing My Life With the Heart of a Buddha. In the book, she describes radical acceptance as recognizing what I’m feeling in the present moment and embracing it with compassion. I’ve written many times that the opposite of this type of acceptance is resistance, otherwise known as ego. When I don’t accept what is, I don’t allow life to happen. With my false sense of control, I believe I can try to manipulate everything to work in my favor. That only brings suffering. The should of, would of, and could of’s in life never provide a real solution.
My father was integral in teaching my radical acceptance. No one wants to die. As a Christian man strong in his faith, my father didn’t believe it was time for him to leave the earth. Who could blame him? The unknown is scary, even when I believe that death is not the end. As a result, my father resisted the idea of dying. It was hard talking to him about the idea of passing on because he had a strong conviction that God would heal him. The conversations that a family was supposed to have about a loved one dying didn’t happen. I was too afraid that speaking to him about his potential death would dismiss the belief in his healing.
I can only imagine his suffering. Not being able to do what he once did when he was healthy. He would talk about how he could run for two miles on his treadmill. Without a lung, he was dependent on an oxygen tank and found himself exhausted after taking a few steps. One thing I will say about him is that he believed to the very end. I know that he’s at peace now, free from his sickness. At the same time, I wonder how better he would be if he found peace with his cancer diagnosis.
As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, Radical acceptance is a skill. I have to practice it because my default nature is to find meaning. I ask, “Why did this happen to me?” I then start to judge the incidents as unfortunate. I typically don’t see any opportunity in how life is shaping me. Again, this doesn’t mean I hide my feelings. This isn’t the place to be toxic-positive. This is the time to acknowledge the situation and acknowledge the emotions without judgment of either. The events in life serve no importance to me. How I react to it does.
Questions and Responses
What does it mean to practice acceptance in difficult situations?
Practicing acceptance means acknowledging reality as it is, without trying to resist or change it, especially when it’s hard to deal with. It’s about embracing both the situation and the emotions that come with it. For instance, losing a job or going through a personal loss can be incredibly painful, but instead of getting stuck in “this shouldn’t have happened,” acceptance invites us to acknowledge the reality and move forward from it. Acceptance doesn’t mean being passive or ignoring your feelings—it’s about facing them head-on without judgment.
How can we accept something as negative as a layoff or loss?
While it’s natural to feel upset or anxious when faced with a layoff or loss, acceptance encourages us to recognize those emotions and see the opportunity that might lie beneath the surface. It’s not about pretending things are perfect, but rather understanding that even in tough situations, there’s space to grow, reinvent ourselves, or explore new paths. You might be scared of what’s next, and that’s okay—acknowledge those feelings. The key is to let go of trying to control everything and allow life to unfold with a sense of trust.
Why is it so difficult for people to accept reality?
We often struggle with acceptance because it forces us to let go of control, and as humans, we like to believe we have power over our circumstances. We also tend to judge situations, labeling them as “good” or “bad,” which makes acceptance feel like we’re giving in or settling for less. But true acceptance means we stop trying to manipulate outcomes and instead focus on how we respond to what happens. It’s not about giving up—it’s about finding peace within the uncertainty.
How does radical acceptance differ from simply giving up?
Radical acceptance is not about giving up or being passive. Instead, it’s about fully embracing the present moment without trying to change it, while still taking action when necessary. For example, if you’re laid off, radical acceptance means recognizing the loss, allowing yourself to feel the disappointment, but also seeing it as a chance to explore new opportunities—like starting a project you never had time for or spending more time with family. It’s about moving forward with a clear mind, unburdened by “what if” or “if only.”
What is the relationship between acceptance and control?
Many of us operate under the illusion that we have control over everything in our lives, but the truth is, that we control very little. Acceptance allows us to surrender that false sense of control and recognize that not everything can be manipulated in our favor. This doesn’t mean we become passive—it means we stop wasting energy fighting reality and focus on what we can do. The freedom that comes from giving up control allows for greater peace and better decision-making in the long run.
Can you share more about how your father’s experience taught you about radical acceptance?
My father was a strong believer in his faith and resisted the idea of dying, hoping that God would heal him. While his conviction was admirable, I often wonder if his suffering would have been lessened if he had come to peace with his illness sooner. Watching him cling to the hope of healing made it hard to have honest conversations about death, and I believe that resistance brought him additional pain. His journey taught me that radical acceptance isn’t about giving up hope, but rather making peace with the present moment, even when it’s something as challenging as facing the end of life.
What’s the danger in resisting reality instead of accepting it?
When we resist reality, we create unnecessary suffering for ourselves. Resisting a difficult situation—whether it’s a layoff, an illness, or even just a personal disappointment—keeps us stuck in a cycle of frustration, wishing things were different. This resistance doesn’t change the reality, but it does prolong our suffering. Acceptance allows us to free ourselves from that cycle, giving us the mental and emotional space to heal, move forward, and possibly find new opportunities where we previously saw only obstacles.
How can someone begin practicing radical acceptance in their daily life?
Start by recognizing when you’re resisting a situation. When something difficult happens, notice your thoughts—are you stuck in “this shouldn’t be happening” or “I wish it were different”? Instead of judging yourself or the situation, try acknowledging it as it is. Feel your emotions fully without trying to push them away or change them. Practice letting go of the need to control outcomes and focus on how you react to the moment. Tara Brach’s work on radical acceptance is a great resource, and reading her insights can help build this practice into your daily life.
Is it wrong to want to change a difficult situation?
No, it’s not wrong to want to change a difficult situation—what’s important is how you approach that desire for change. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take action to improve things. Rather, it means acknowledging and accepting the present as it is before you decide what to do next. Acceptance helps you approach the situation with a clear, calm mind, free from unnecessary resistance or judgment, which often leads to better decisions and outcomes in the long run.
How do we balance acceptance with ambition or the desire for progress?
Balancing acceptance with ambition means understanding that while you should strive for progress, it’s important not to be attached to specific outcomes. Acceptance allows you to be flexible and open to whatever comes your way, while ambition drives you to keep growing and evolving. The key is to pursue your goals while maintaining a sense of peace with where you are right now. Ambition without acceptance can lead to frustration, but acceptance paired with ambition fosters resilience and a deeper sense of fulfillment.