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Sacrifice Isn’t Needed for Success
Another thing I value in my culture is self-sacrifice, or the willingness to put others and their needs before my own. When I think about it, self-sacrifice is the bedrock of my societal norms. For two people to be in love, they are expected to give away aspects of themselves to create better synergy as a couple. When a baby is in the picture, mothers give up their bodies for 9 months to then take care of a child, thus giving up aspects of their lives as well.
I perceive firefighters as heroes because they are willing to risk their lives to save others, whether it be a burning building or the World Trade Center on September 11th. These types of sacrifices are vast and, when it comes to motherhood, necessary. But at this point, I wouldn’t call this sacrifice. If I feel the desire to help someone selflessly, it’s no longer a sacrifice because I want to do it.
What is Self-Sacrifice?
I might have to define self-sacrifice differently. The type of sacrifice I am referring to is feeling the need to sacrifice who I am and what I do to meet the expectations of others. This is the sacrifice the young artsy student must make because her parents are telling her to get a real job. This is the immigrant businessman who tries to hide his accent to be more “professional.” I move further and further away from my authentic self just to fit in a bubble of expectations and obligations. It almost feels like self-sacrifice is no longer a thing I do to be selfless towards the people I love but an identity that I am obligated to live out every day if I am to survive in this world.
Sexism and Sacrifice
If I were to be truthful, it’s easier to see an identity of self-sacrifice from women than from men. As a society, I expect women to be more passive while men are perceived to be more assertive. This is why motherhood is such a prevalent example when it comes to sacrifice. More so than the husband, wives in a hetero-normative relationship are expected to be the ones to sacrifice any interests or desires for the sake of the family. Is there any alternative?
It’s hard to write about this example because I don’t have an example of a mother prioritizing themselves over their children. If I do, they are to be labeled as selfish and a bad mother. There is nothing wrong if a mother decides to give herself away to her kids if that’s her choice. It wouldn’t necessarily be a sacrifice if she wanted to be dedicated to raising her little ones. It does become a problem when the sacrifice is an obligation and each action taken because of the child is forced.
Pleasing Through Pain
The person who forces sacrifice to please another person might be succumbing to masochism or believing to derive pleasure from what appears to be painful or tiresome. Even though I do these things with a smile on my face, there is resentment brewing from an underlying sense of powerlessness. The firefighter heading into danger will probably not be resentful for his decision, but the middle-aged person who must take care of their aging parents might. If I am willing and genuinely happy with taking care of my parents, this section isn’t for me. It’s for those who feel the need to because that is what is expected of them. I participate in what I call a sacrifice because I don’t feel like I have a choice in the matter. Imagine calling this love.
The parent/child dynamic is a perfect example of someone expected to self-sacrifice. I’m not talking about the parent in this scenario. The child has their own beliefs. Sure, they may not be formulated with much experience, but in this authoritarian relationship, the child is to value the beliefs of the parents more than their own. This is where I think parenting gets it wrong. With this sacrifice, children are also repressing their emotions and feelings because they could get into trouble if they remotely disagree. It comes at the expense of the child’s well-being. Not being able to express oneself causes constant stress that leads to anxiety and depression. The same feeling continues as they progress through life.
Sacrificing for Self-Esteem
It’s one thing to sacrifice oneself for loved ones or a noble cause. It’s another thing to sacrifice oneself because my perceived self-worth is lower than the people around me. When I stop paying attention to my needs because I’ve put myself lower on my made-up hierarchy, something is wrong. But how does something so wrong feel so right? A person who has low self-esteem has a fear of being selfish. Others may feel like they’d be rejected if they weren’t benefiting others. Self-sacrifice typically becomes the solution so that the sense of anxiety subsides, at least for a little bit. It’s almost like getting high off effort. Effort shouldn’t make me feel like a better person because I already am perfect.
A life completely devoid of conflict is likely to be one in which issues are being repressed. And that way all kinds of suffering lies.
I get it. Saying no is risky. What if that person doesn’t love me anymore? It isn’t true love if my relationship is built on the condition that I sacrifice myself for that person. Yet, this is the exact definition of a people pleaser. I do what I am asked because I am afraid that saying “no” will bring on confrontation. If I am sure that this will happen, there is no love in this relationship. Any sense of disappointment should be forgiven.
Questions and Responses
What is self-sacrifice?
Self-sacrifice involves giving up personal desires or needs to benefit others, often driven by love, duty, or societal expectations. In a healthy form, it reflects selflessness, but when done out of obligation or fear, it can lead to emotional strain.
When does self-sacrifice become unhealthy?
Self-sacrifice becomes unhealthy when it feels forced or is done to meet others’ expectations at the expense of one’s identity and well-being. Over time, this can lead to resentment, burnout, and mental health challenges such as anxiety and depression.
How does gender influence expectations around self-sacrifice?
Traditional gender roles often pressure women to take on more sacrificial roles, such as prioritizing family needs over personal goals. Men are generally expected to be assertive, but these norms can limit both genders, making it harder to balance personal well-being with societal expectations.
Is it wrong for a parent to prioritize themselves over their children?
No, it’s not wrong if it’s done thoughtfully. Healthy parenting includes taking care of oneself to better support children. Constant self-sacrifice without personal care can lead to parental burnout, which may affect both the parent and child negatively.
How can self-sacrifice affect relationships?
In relationships, sacrificing personal needs too often can lead to imbalance, where one partner feels drained or unappreciated. Healthy relationships involve mutual support and respect, not obligations to sacrifice one’s well-being to maintain peace.
What are the risks of sacrificing to please others?
People-pleasing through self-sacrifice can create resentment and erode self-esteem over time. If sacrifices are made out of fear of rejection or confrontation, it indicates a lack of healthy boundaries, which can harm emotional well-being.
How does low self-esteem relate to self-sacrifice?
People with low self-esteem may sacrifice themselves to gain approval or avoid conflict, believing they are only valuable when serving others. This behavior can temporarily ease anxiety but may also reinforce feelings of inadequacy and dependency.
What is the role of choice in healthy self-sacrifice?
Self-sacrifice is healthy when it’s a voluntary decision motivated by love, compassion, or personal values. When it feels like an obligation without choice, it can create emotional distress and impact mental health negatively.
How can children be affected by forced self-sacrifice?
Children who are forced to sacrifice their opinions or emotions to meet parental expectations may struggle with anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression. Over time, this can hinder their emotional development and create difficulties in expressing themselves as adults.
How does sacrifice differ from love?
Love involves mutual respect and care, whereas sacrifice becomes problematic when it is expected as proof of love. True love doesn’t require constant self-sacrifice—healthy relationships balance personal needs with support for others.
How can I overcome the fear of saying no?
Overcoming the fear of saying no starts with recognizing your worth beyond the approval of others. Practice setting small boundaries and remind yourself that healthy relationships can withstand occasional disappointment.
Can sacrifice ever be selfish?
Sacrifice can become selfish if it’s done to control others or gain approval. True selflessness comes from a desire to help without expecting anything in return. Sacrificing only to avoid guilt or rejection may actually stem from insecurity rather than generosity.
What are the long-term effects of forced self-sacrifice?
Long-term forced self-sacrifice can lead to emotional exhaustion, resentment, and strained relationships. It may also impact self-esteem, making it harder to establish boundaries or feel worthy without constant effort to please others.