Why does it feel like half the job of being an adult is getting over the negative things you went through as a child? We may not even remember the trauma, but we can definitely feel them. There are varying degrees of how childhood trauma affects us as an adult. Some may feel like permanent victims of abuse, while others have lapses in what they feel makes the perfect relationship based on what someone has done in the past. Our past definitely affects our future, even if we aren’t 100% aware.
The way we were raised greatly influences how we deal with attachment. A child raised in a loving household with stable caregivers who were emotionally available are very secure in their attachment style. They are confident in themselves. They don’t need to be clingy, nor do they push partners away. Yes, they may have issues with their relationships. No one is perfect. The reason why would have nothing to do with childhood trauma. Others are not that lucky.
Unresponsive Caretaker Mean Avoidant Relationships
If a caretaker is not respondent to the need of a child, that child grows up to avoid relationships based on insecurity or dismissiveness. This means that this person avoids close relationships and keeps partners at bay. Depending on the person, he/she may have a disinterest in intimacy, or would love to be in an intimate relationship, but feel alone based on their insecurity.
Neglect and Abuse Turns into Fear and Disorganization
Fear as the outcome of this relationship makes plenty of sense. What else are you supposed to feel when the person or people you’re expecting to receive love is the one who actually hurts you? This person would have a fear of intimacy. They are not able to trust people and close themselves off to affection to avoid being hurt.
Part Time Responsiveness Leads to Insecurity and Anxiety
This is usually when clinginess occurs. This person is insecure in the relationship. When they are in one they make sure they stay in one to reduce the risk of being hurt. They crave a lot of intimacy, and are paranoid when it comes to any changes within the relationship. The clingy half of the relationship may feel like they are more devoted to the relationship than the other. This is primarily due to low self-esteem.
Awareness is Key
Awareness of how you react within a relationship can help remedy any rut in a relationship. It may also mean doing some deep work. Looking within to how you feel about your parent’s job in raising you. That’s not to say that your parents did a bad job, but there may be some hidden reasons to why you are acting how you are now in current relationships.