Empathy might not be what it’s cracked up to be. It says to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, but it also suggests these shoes can be easily taken off. Because we don’t see ourselves as others do, we create distance between ourselves, and a fleeting moment of empathy becomes a faux virtue. To empathize with someone automatically places us in a power dynamic, where someone is suffering, and the other is feeling. The person who can feel has a moral and maybe even a social advantage over the other. As we create separation, we believe empathy is the bridge between two distinct individuals.

Confirming the Victim

The issue with empathy is that not only do we confirm the suffering, but we also confirm the other person’s weakness. We see them as less dignified. For them to cope, it’s up to us to sit next to them while they go through the suffering. Empathizing with the suffering reinforces the perception of it as permanent. It’s the equivalent of seeing someone go through a nightmare, entering it, and telling the person we empathize with that the monsters are real. By empathizing with the sufferer’s story, we strengthen their identification with the suffering.

To confirm someone as a victim is to believe in their limitation. Even the idea of being a victim is not who we are. To be a victim, one must identify with the past. A person can only be a victim if they reference a past event where someone harmed them. It doesn’t matter if it happened an hour ago, 2 months ago, or something from our childhood; the truth is, it’s not happening now. The event is dead. However, when we nod, agree, and pour emotional energy into a story, we are digging up graves. We are essentially saying that the past is more real than the present moment.

The Intention Behind Empathy

With your help, you’ve now created a triangle relationship of drama. The roles in this relationship include the victim, the persecutor, and the rescuer. By coming to someone’s rescue, you force the other person into the role of the victim. You can’t rescue unless someone is helpless. The need to be a “good helper” simultaneously requires the person you’re helping to be the “damaged victim.” Consequently, we are not helping them. We are merely securing our position in this triangle.

What if the only reason we do this is to feel superior? There’s a bit of nobility in feeling bad for someone else. We get to see how perfect we are in comparison to someone going through it. It makes us feel like we have our stuff together while the other person is collapsing. And guess what, we get to help them. We essentially use this person to feel better about ourselves while offering help that may not truly be helpful if all we are doing is solidifying that which will eventually go away.

The Difference Between Pain and Suffering

This allows us to understand the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is a temporary sensation that happens to all of us. It’s a relative fact of life. At many points in life, we will be in pain. Suffering, however, is the mental story we tell ourselves about the pain. We look for explanations and ask questions like Why me? We also try to explain it away, only to feel the compounding pain of resistance. When we empathize with another person as the rescuer, we dig them deeper into the pain by validating how terrible it is.

Choosing Compassion

There’s another step we can take rather than empathic. We can practice true compassion. This is something I struggle with because it’s very hard to define compassion. One might think these two things are the same, but there’s a subtle difference. Empathy says I see your pain, and I will simulate your pain so I can feel closer to you. Compassion says I see your story, but I know this is a temporary circumstance, not your identity. I know your essence is perfection. The alleviation of suffering doesn’t occur because I feel bad for you, but because of the recognition of one’s never-changing perfection and the projection of this essence onto all as one.

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