To understand the ego, one must see it as a closed system. It’s a system of inputs and outputs. The fundamental principle of the ego is transaction. In a sense, if one input is accepted, one output has to be removed.

We may then feel guilt for any form of abundance because it may highlight a lack in another person. We may even believe that our abundance is the cause of someone’s lack.

This means that if you’re flourishing in your career, you’re taking up space that someone else wants. And so, we talk about things like wealth gaps and privilege as forms of judgment.

This turns every blessing into an act of aggression. The ego says your joy is their pain. It makes you a predator for simply being good at your job or simply being happy.

In many cases, your expansion will cause contraction or a sense of inferiority in others. It will use the concept of “fairness” to keep you trapped. However, fairness is also a transaction. If you gain some fairness, it means someone else loses.

So, to keep the fairness even, we play small. However, playing small means engaging in a sacrificial ritual. Instead of enjoying the success, we pay for it by offering up a portion of our joy.

We wear a mask of humility, downplaying our skills, using self-deprecatory humor, and hiding our resources. We call this kindness and sensitivity.

The truth is, playing small is a defense mechanism as we try to protect ourselves from envy. We tell the person who feels a lack that we are the same. I’m suffering just like you. Please don’t attack me.

By dimming our light, we are confirming the nightmare of the other person. You are unconsciously telling them that they are right to feel that way. My light seems to threaten you, so I will hide it. And by hiding your light, you leave them in the dark.

The Arrogance of Guilt

The dream we believe in is that if two people are involved, and one is successful, the other is a loser. This is a zero-sum game.

With this belief in separation, we no longer become observers of the movie; we become critics. You look at your plot (health, wealth) and the plot of your neighbor (poverty, sickness) and declare that one script is better than the other.

We use these scripts as a comparison tool rather than see the “failing” script as a call for love. By feeling guilty, we are confirming the failing script’s judgment. You agree with your neighbor’s belief of being a failure.

Success isn’t a reason to hide. It’s a method we use to show others that their script isn’t defined. I see the same success in myself that I see in you, regardless of what appearances look like.

We’d like to believe that guilt is a “nice” emotion, but it actually confirms arrogance.

When you feel guilty in front of a struggling friend, you are confirming that this being of infinite potentiality is so fragile, so small, and so defeated that my happiness is a threat to them.

Pity isn’t love. We’re joining our friend in their perceived weakness. By feeling guilt, we are validating the belief in their powerlessness.

By doing so, our self-absorbed mind ensures that we remain superior as the giver and they remain inferior as the receiver.

True perception sees all as equals. It recognizes that nothing you do can shatter another’s peace unless they join in the trauma bond.

Your Success is My Success

We are taught that giving and receiving is a transaction. One must lose for another to gain. This isn’t true for an infinite resource.

Joy, in all its forms, can’t be transacted. You don’t take joy from a pile.

Think of it more like a choir. If you sing the song, you are not stealing any notes from the other choir members. If anything, you’re providing a pitch that they can find too.

By accepting success without guilt, you show everyone around you that they, too, are worthy of the same success.

The world wants you to believe that your success was a private win. You were self-made. This is the root of the guilt. If your success is not with the help of others, it’s very easy to pretend that your neighbor had no part of it, thus looking down on them.

The idea isn’t to inspire, but to give people a clear example that their situation isn’t a permanent sentence.

A person’s sense of lack is a mental choice. You having something did not cause their choice. You losing wouldn’t fix it.

Presenting Yourself as the Shore

Our definition of humility is the exact notion of hiding one’s light. As we touched on before, this isn’t humility but an extreme case of pride.

When we shrink ourselves to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings, we claim that we are the cause of their emotional state. It’s prideful in the sense that we believe our joy is so powerful that it can crush another person.

The ego pretends to be small while simultaneously claiming power over another individual.

Shrinking is performative. It says to forgo your blessings so that we can both feel safe in misery. As a result, you’re not protecting the other person; you are protecting your image.

We are afraid of judgment, rejection, or envy, so we use shrinking as a shield rather than a gift.

The solution is quite simple. Don’t apologize for what you have. Money and health are only neutral symbols, as both can be lost in an instant. By focusing on these symbols, we reinforce the reality that something was taken.

Instead of hiding your success, show others that the success holds no meaning. If you have money, demonstrate that money has no power over your peace. If you are functioning with good health, be the one to show people that joy isn’t dependent on your body.

We can’t save a drowning man by drowning them.

We’ve been led to believe that the most compassionate thing we can do is get in the water with our suffering neighbor. However, it doesn’t make sense. Now there are two people drowning.

Instead, we can present ourselves as the shore. The shore is the recognition of your own abundance as well as theirs. Being on the shore shows that the person drowning is actually in shallow water. All they have to do is stand up.

When we extend our hand to help, we don’t do it in an attempt to “fix” someone’s life. We do it with the intention of refusing to see the other as a victim.

Questions and Responses