You might be reading this with skepticism. We are taught that our judgments are discernments. They allow us to choose how we live our lives. Our judgments give us wisdom; our preferences are the GPS that navigates our lives. Judgment brings clarity. I want to be in that camp with you, but from my experience, judgment only brings separation. It draws a line in the sand and forces us to pick a side. Judgment says this is good, and that is bad. If you are on the side of good, then you are good, but we also know who you are on the other side. Something as innocent as judgment now creates a us-versus-them dynamic. I’m right, and you’re wrong. Please take a picture of this side of me. This is my good side.

When we judge, we choose things that are for us. We often neglect that, simultaneously, we are rejecting the other. The judgment issue is that it unconsciously creates a hierarchy. We start to believe that things inherently the same are better than others. This style of food is better than that cuisine. That person can do the job better than this person. Even worse, we start to separate things into piles of worthy and unworthy or deserving and undeserving. We look at the person asking for money on the street in shame because we deem him unworthy, as the rest of society believes the same thing. A simple change in perspective could help this man, but we tend to keep to our perceptions while the man begs because he believes he’s unworthy, too.

Life gets reduced to categories. Everything has to fit neatly into a box. I dislike it when someone tries to place me into a neat category because every label thrust upon me comes with a limitation. I’m more than the simple idea that you have in your mind. I’m not just a writer, a digital marketer, a son, or a brother. If you know nothing about me, everything you believe about me will be a stereotype. The only way to truly know who I am is to have a relationship with me. Judgment at the forefront of meeting anyone breaks any attempt at a relationship. If anything, it says, “I will only be with you if you meet my conditions.” This idea is the basis of a majority of relationships.

When we judge, we can no longer see things for what they are. You can only see the label you’ve given. One can look at someone and claim she’s arrogant without ever talking to her. The truth might be that she’s just shy, but we would never know. Once we label a situation a failure, there’s no chance of it ever succeeding. Any label we throw on anything becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We don’t truly understand the power of our words. Comments like “That’s not how it should be” limit the curiosity of knowing what it could be. As a result, we don’t seek to explore life. We seek to control it, remove it, or fix it.

As a person who grew up overweight, I consistently wanted to change myself. I tried many things to lose weight, some of which I wouldn’t recommend. During my 20s, I found myself taking weight loss pills, working out at the gym every day, and eating less than what was recommended, all because I believed I was fat. The funny part is that it worked. At 24, I was super lean and grew some muscle. The sad part is that much of the progress faded once I got into my 30s. I wasn’t able to maintain the work that I put in. After reflection, I realized that this was a good thing. Although I looked good, I can’t say that I was very healthy.

I’ve also realized that I was my first rejection. By saying I wasn’t fit enough, I was rejecting who I was for a fantasy of who I wanted to be. Even though this dream came true, I eventually had to wake up from it, knowing that this self-judgment was still there. I guess this is what it feels like to be heavily addicted to drugs. This judgment (of many) split my experience into good and bad characteristics. I was good when I woke up at 4 am to go to the gym. I was disappointed in myself if I was too tired and decided to skip a day. My body was good when I was eating healthy, but I felt shame if I indulged in a cookie. The more I thought about how poorly I treated myself, the more I realized I was my worst enemy.

When we judge, we believe we have this false sense of control. A person who gives me a label now believes that they can control any interaction they would have with me, but would also feel flustered when an interaction doesn’t meet the expectations they had in their head. When we judge something, we separate ourselves from it. We become the subject, and the object is what we observe. Because the thing we don’t like is not a part of us, we feel safe because we can easily manipulate that thing. We’ve yet to come to terms with the fact that the root of all of our judgment is fear. The thing we fear the most is what we don’t know. The irony is that instead of seeking to understand, we retreat and evaluate based on our biases.

Questions and Responses