When we meet with others, we want to put our best foot forward so that we make a good impression. This allows us to make a superficial level of connection if the other person likes what they see. The opposite is also true, which makes the entire interaction dependent on how we judge one another. There are times when we even put on a fake smile, believing that if I’m more put together, people will love me. I’ll be accepted if I don’t make mistakes. Instagram photos aren’t the only images that we edit. We filter our emotions, personalities, and other aspects of our lives. In this way, approval becomes an achievement that we earn. If this approval can be taken away, was it ever real?

Sameness

Every flaw that we have, whether physical, mental, or anything in between, is a signature of who we are. It’s quite ironic that we all make mistakes, yet we also expect everyone around us to appear perfect. Our flaws should remind us that we don’t have everything figured out, and we don’t need to either. If we can show our flaws, people can start to meet the real us rather than an image. The more we reveal our flaws to the people around us, the stronger the connection tends to be.

In the dating world, compatibility is based on commonalities. For us to have a relationship, we have to be a good match. In other words, we have to be symmetrical. So, we swipe right only on people who mirror ourselves, we join groups of people who share similar interests, and we only engage online with accounts that align with our views. Imagine if we stopped believing that relationships are built on sameness but instead focused on witnessing and allowing one another to witness the full version of ourselves. By displaying my flaw, I give someone else the opportunity to say, “Me too.” We no longer have to hide behind the illusion of perfection.

Vulnerability is the Bridge to Connection

The bridge between us will be a vulnerability. A relationship tends to lack when one cannot be vulnerable with another. We tend not to express vulnerability because it makes us uncomfortable. I’ve had plenty of supervisors with whom I tried to be vulnerable, but they would tend to shut me down due to professionalism. As a result, I’ve shut myself emotionally towards them as well. Connections are not only built but sustained through mutual vulnerability. We cannot be vulnerable without revealing our insecurities, regrets, and failures. It’s a great feeling to know that you can reveal limitations to another person with the knowledge that you will still be loved.

Vulnerability isn’t shared, especially in the workplace, because it destroys power dynamics. Hierarchies can’t survive in organizations that choose to bring their whole selves to work. The same hidden insecurities that people are afraid to express are the same insecurities that create levels of superiority and inferiority. If I acknowledge my flaws, I can’t simultaneously claim to be better than you. At the same time, I will easily call out your flaws as confirmation of my superiority. This is the dynamic between workers. There is a divide between people who believe they can do everything better than anyone and those who believe they are not enough. The remedy is quite simple. The ability to express our flaws without apology or shame disrupts hierarchy. It will also disrupt the safety of those who stand to benefit from this hierarchy, and so we stay in these patterns.

Love is Love

Maybe this dialogue has nothing to do with flaws. Perhaps the perceived “flaw” is something within us that we are ashamed to express because we fear being judged. Pride Month is a wonderful time of year when people come together to express individuality that society often tells them to suppress. People see parades and rainbow flags, but it’s much more than this. It’s a month to be loved because there was a time when gay, lesbian, bi, asexual, or trans person were afraid to be vulnerable with their parent in fear that they wouldn’t be loved.

When the slogan “Love is Love” is passed around, it’s more than just reaffirming love outside of heteronormative relationships; it’s an affirmation for those outside the community that says, “I see you and I love you.” Even if I don’t practice the same things that you do. Even if I don’t agree with your lifestyle. I still love you and never want to put you in a position where you feel the need to hide who you are to fulfill my ideal of “perfection.”

Is it Even Love?

It would be beneficial for us to accept that no one needs to appear perfect. The mother doesn’t need the child to believe that she has everything under control. The child needs her. I couldn’t care less about how I’m perceived by the world, as long as I stay true to myself and am available to those who ask for my help. Our society tells us that our flaws disqualify us from connection, but how strong are those connections that are built on transactions? If love can easily turn into disappointment, why would I want this love in the first place? I’ve come to the point where I’d rather be alone than be in relationships that I have to work for.

Questions and Responses