Growing up, I thought romance was the key to love. It’s all I saw in the media, so it had to be true. There were instances where I thought it would be romantic to create a mixtape, sketch a drawing, or do a cute Valentine’s scavenger hunt for a girl I had my eye on. You might look at these ideas and say, “Awww,” but in reality, every single one of these ideas fell flat in action. Now, I no longer believe in romance. That might sound sad, but don’t cry for me. I might take actions that come off as romantic, but it is by accident. It’s a happy accident because I’m naturally romantic rather than planning out romance, which might come off as inauthentic.

The Deception of Romance

Why is this type of romance deceptive? The easiest answer is that I wouldn’t do these cute things for anyone. I’d do it for an idealized version of a spouse in whom I specialize over others. Most romantic relationships are special when one person is of greater importance than just about anyone else. By doing this, I unintentionally have rose-colored glasses, seeing them as I’d like to see them and not as they are. I’m deceiving myself because I see this person in a perfection that may not be true. This feeling tends to wear off after the honeymoon phase of a relationship.

While I’m deceiving myself, I’m also deceiving my potential partner because now I must match her perfection. Our dates are now performance pieces in which I try to diminish any characteristic that might be deemed undesired. This comes as not telling full truths due to the fear of judgment or argument with the person of interest. This performance isn’t a two-person dance. Many relationships are used as projections of happiness. Photographs of loving relationships are put on Instagram to prove one’s happiness, even if there may be turmoil behind the filter.

It’s a shame that our modern media typically portrays what is seen as the “perfect romance.” Many girls swoon over the idea of experiencing what they see on screen, and most guys believe they must live up to the Prince Charming of the time. In reality, books, television shows, and movies create unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should be. Anyone trying to live out the steps of a romantic movie might be living an illusion. It’s only a matter of time once the felt romance fades, and we are left dealing with our deceptions.

Authentic Love

What does it mean to love authentically? This might be a bit of a selfish definition, but I believe a relationship is a concept used to learn more about ourselves. A relationship with another person gives us a mirror of ourselves. It allows us to see our desires, insecurities, and contradictions. Most relationships tend not to last because we fear seeing the bad things within ourselves. There may be cases where a relationship does last, but the couple hasn’t been vulnerable enough with each other for the relationship to be truly fulfilling.

Romance Doesn’t Always Feel Good

I have a bit of an awkward story I’d like to share. The day my father passed away from cancer, I was on a date. I was having brunch with this wonderful young lady when I got a FaceTime call from my uncle and sisters. My uncle was in the hospital with my dad and was saying that the time was here to say goodbye. I saw my dad on the phone and said goodbye. Of course, I was crying. This would be the last time I’d see my dad. After the call, I took some time alone while my date waited for me. I guess I didn’t take enough time because my eyes were red when I returned to the table. Anyone could tell that I had been crying. I told her what happened.

We spent the entire day together, but she said she didn’t want to see me again by the time the date ended. I was perplexed and asked why. We met for brunch and stayed together after the sun went down. I thought we had a good time. She said today was a bit much for her. At the time, I understood. It was the first date. Reflecting on it, I wonder if she is ready for a relationship. If the same event had happened 10 years later, how would she have felt?

Deception is Only Getting Worse

Dating today is quite difficult because we expect perfection from the other person. In the age of dating apps, one can easily find another person if they don’t fit an ideal. I’ve also seen dating profiles that read, “I’m not your therapist.” If we can’t celebrate the good times and hold each other through what we perceive is bad, what is the point of a relationship? I understand being bombarded with negativity. No one wants that. Yet, if I expect only positivity, I will not have much success in our relationship. This idea isn’t just limited to romantic relationships. If a relationship can’t be seen it’s most vulnerable moments, aren’t we all just playing ourselves?

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