I honestly can’t tell you who I am. I can only tell you what people perceive of me and thus use that to describe myself. I’m seen as a black man. From birth, I took up an African American culture because I was born into it. I have black skin, and so I must walk around in this culture aware of what this implies. But is this me? I feel like it’s more of a role that I have to carry out. Growing up, I never felt a yearning to join exclusively black establishments. I didn’t join black clubs in college. One day, I was approached to attend a black gala but did not go.

I told myself I wanted to be known for much more than being Black. The culture that I inherited doesn’t make me who I am. Who would I be if I decided to remove this culture without replacing it with another? I’d be nothing. Culture is the thing that links people together. Without culture, I’d be secluded and on my own.

I am often the one they call You but I am no more You than you. I am me. And I am more Me than you are or can ever be. 

– Demetri Martin

If it’s not my culture, is it my work? Most people ask what you do in conversation, and I typically respond that I’m a digital marketer. Well, I used to. Now, I say I perform digital marketing tasks because a digital marketer isn’t who I am but what I do. Is who I am my actions? I don’t believe so. My actions are not permanent. Saying I identify with what I do will only put me in a box.

If I am a digital marketer, then this is all that I do. This is all anyone, including myself, would expect of me. Yet, I love making music, writing, and doing other things that have nothing to do with digital marketing. Yet, none of these things are who I am. If I had the option to do nothing, who would I be? I wouldn’t be able to afford anything. I wouldn’t have a place to live. Again, I’d be on my own.

Am I My Thoughts?

Who am I? Is it my thoughts and beliefs? I can’t say it is this either. If I identified with my beliefs, I’d still believe in what I did as a child. My beliefs are forever evolving because I want a mind that inhabits a growth mindset. People who identify with their beliefs are stuck in their ways, even when the belief is not beneficial. If I were to position myself as one thing, this would block me from any perception of its opposite. This occurs in all areas of life, but especially in religious belief.

My belief is the ultimate belief, which means your belief is wrong. Not only are you wrong, but you must also deal with the consequences of being wrong for eternity. How can one say this while still considering oneself kind? This is not who I want to be. Thoughts like everything else I’ve mentioned is relative. The thoughts that I express aren’t my own. They’ve been learned. So, if I were to turn my brain completely off, I’d be nothing.

Am I My Body?

I can’t say that because my body has been through its evolution. I would have to admit that I didn’t treat my body with its proper respect because religion has taught me that my body is inherently evil. This is to say that whoever believes this is not their body, which I believe is true. It also disconnects them from having a body. The possession of a body rather than being a body. The same person who doesn’t care for their body would ensure their shoes are clean. This was me. I’d take care of my material possessions but would probably disregard the most important ones. If I am not my body, then what is my essence? What do I look like, if anything? I wouldn’t know any other alternative than emptiness. Nothing.

Afraid of Being Nothing

Thinking about being nothing is a bit nerve-wracking. My ego fears not being anything because I was told I must be something. I’ve lived my entire life being told that I must be something. I must have a career, a livelihood, a fixed personality, a fixed way of thinking, and a permanent outlook on life. Looking back at my life, I realize that none of this is true. Everything changes all the time. My thoughts change, my emotions change, my body has changed, and I’ve changed jobs.

Liberation

The attachment to these changing ideas only brings suffering. Suffering, I’ve come to find out, is only grief over loss. This grief is typically synonymous with the loss of a person, but it can also be the loss of an identity. A person going through a divorce grieves over the lost identity of a spouse. A person who gets laid off grieves over the lost identity of an employed worker. One who becomes sick grieves over the lost identity of someone healthy.

But what have I lost if I’m nothing? The idea of being nothing no longer feels nihilistic but freeing. It’s awareness that all these things that describe myself are merely clothes I can put on and take off when I want. I’m not beholden to one personality. I can be all personalities based on how I feel in the moment. I’m not beholden to one profession. I can do what I want regardless of whether I get paid. My thoughts and emotions become options that I can pick and choose. Even how I see my body isn’t dependent on the social construct but on the idea I care about now.

Being nothing gives me the option to be everything. It’s a wonderful discovery once I truly understand that nothing that describes is me. I can change at will. There is no rule saying that I have to be the same person I was five minutes ago. I’m going to change anyway, so why not do it consciously?

Questions and Responses