I think it’s time we changed the definition of selfishness. The conventional definition is based primarily on acquisition and control. Selfishness is a tangible act in which a person takes scarce resources, hoards wealth, demands attention, or exploits others. Consequently, these actions lead to a belief in a zero-sum game in which one person gains while the other loses. This definition stems from the flawed perspective that objects have value and that acquiring them confers value on us.

What if I were to tell you that true selfishness is withholding who you are? If we are the incarnation of a perfect essence (God, if you will), then our expressions of love, truth, and creativity are no different than that essence. Insecurity is the belief of imperfection. It says that I’m not enough, so to become enough, I must focus on my weaknesses while locking up my talent until I feel validated. In this regard, the selfish person is not the one who obtains objects, but the one who withholds perfection from perfection. Their talents are seen as scarce resources that must be guarded or hidden.

Where Does Insecurity Come From?

Insecurities often stem from the limited perspective we take of ourselves because of a lack of external validation. If someone isn’t praising us for what we do, then we probably shouldn’t be doing it. This self-imposed limitation hinders us from perceiving that we are limitless in nature. Instead, we place our identity into temporary aspects of life, including our body, thoughts, memories, roles, achievements, and failures. Because we identify with these temporal aspects of our being, it’s very easy to say that I am also limited and vulnerable.

There are a few symptoms that come with insecurity. Because we identify with this small version of ourselves, we are prone to loss and thus the fear of it. Since we believe in our temporalness, we are consumed with the fear of also losing our jobs, loved ones, and social standing. There’s a need for comparison because we only see ourselves as relative to others. This tends to create validation-seeking and self-doubt. Lastly, there’s always a feeling of lack. The insecure person believes in their own deficiencies and that something out there will complete their wholeness.

Ironically, because we don’t believe in ourselves, we tend to blame others for our hardships. Our insecurities create external, antagonistic relationships. Instead of looking inward to understand conflict, we blame our bad lives on our bosses, the economy, politics, or an unjust God. To protect oneself from external enemies, one must build boundaries. Doubly ironically (if I’m allowed to say that), the small self tries to secure itself by naming its threats. We try to secure ourselves through insecurity. We fail to recognize that our conflict is self-generated, as we have a civil war between our small self and the Self that seeks to express its perfection.

The Illusion of Lack

The idea of insecurity isn’t simply feeling bad for oneself. It’s the ego’s belief that one is entirely insufficient. It’s saying that I am not who I ought to be, and I lack the necessary traits to achieve success and completeness. Living with this void, the insecure person seeks to fill it with external validation, achievements, possessions, or relationships. The illusion of lack isn’t an external phenomenon. It’s a misperception of the ego that leads you to believe you are separate from your surroundings. It’s to say that you are already complete, perfect, and whole. You just don’t see it. To say I am not enough is in complete contradiction to the truth that you are whole. Which one are you going to believe?

Walled Off

There are two options in life. You can commune with all that’s around you, or you can wall yourself off from it. The insecure person actively creates a wall of separation. There are plenty of walls a person can build. There’s the wall of comparison and judgment. This wall is built by measuring ourselves against external standards, including those of other people and their opinions and ideas. We might believe their opinions are superior to ours, so if we think ours are deficient, it’s best we protect ourselves from them. The constant comparison creates a fear of judgment or a fear of being exposed for such a deficiency. So, we build a wall in hopes of protecting ourselves from external criticism.

If you didn’t build the comparison-and-judgment wall, you might have built the “I’m different” wall. We’d like to think this wall is protection from the world, but it’s a declaration of separation that rejects it. By saying “I’m different,” we are actively refusing to recognize our shared being and demanding to be an exception. By identifying with our differences, we are perpetuating the suffering caused by fragmentation.

The issue with these walls is that they make a real connection impossible. It’s funny how the insecure person demands validation, yet simultaneously blocks the flow that would allow them to receive this validation and internalize it. Instead of building relationships with others, the insecure person tends to see most people as threats and treat them accordingly. We treat the world as other, thus creating conflict that we then must fear. The walls we build aren’t fortresses, but self-imposed prisons that lock us away from realizing our inherent perfection and realizing unity amongst all that surrounds us.

The Cost of Separation

If you truly believe that you are deficient, you are simultaneously saying that the world is deficient. If God is the creator of your world, you are also saying God is deficient. Reality is and will always be. You are not an observer of reality. You are reality, expressing itself in a unique, temporary form. Regardless of your perception, you are connected. When you pass judgment on yourself, you pass judgment on everything, as all is inherently derived from the same essence. If God created you and you are flawed, God must be flawed, too.

Pointing out your deficiency is to point out the universe’s deficiency. To then judge the entire universe is the highest form of selfishness. By believing in our own insufficiency, we are saying that the Creator made a mistake in creating me. This might be the most self-centered mistake we can make. As we obsess with our small self, we become the judge of God. The inclination of the insecure person is to place blame. Why not go to the very top?

The Selfish Act of Withholding

The inability to share who you are with the world is selfish because all you are doing at this point is taking. You’re the energy vampire in What We Do in the Shadows. It creates a separation no different from the person we’ve defined as ‘acquisition,’ because all we are doing is objectifying everything around us as something we should acquire, rather than what we are. Instead of hoarding wealth, we hoard validation. We want people and things to tell us that we are worthy without any true expression on our part.

Withholding who we are isn’t anything malicious. It’s more of a defense mechanism, as we see others outside ourselves as potential threats. This defense mechanism may look like perfectionism. We withhold our gifts and talents because we deem them not ready or good enough. By having impossibly high standards, the world loses a gift. It may look like working to avoid criticism, which puts all your energy into defense mode. Instead of creating something new, we stay in our old patterns, hoping to have a defense for all our actions. Another defense mechanism is the refusal to be vulnerable. True connections require the softening of boundaries. With a hard shell of separation, we withdraw from having meaningful relationships.

Much like the greedy acquirer withholding resources hurts the whole. The insecure person who obsesses about their boundaries fails to realize their role within society. Think of it this way. Our body is a fully functioning system. If an organ decides to stop functioning and reverts its energy for self-preservation, the entire body suffers. As we further separate ourselves, we fully define what it means to be selfish, refusing to be part of life’s interconnectedness. Not only are we neglecting ourselves, but we are also depriving the world of our own unique expression.

Changing the Perspective

Insecurity seeps in because of the belief that value must be earned. This perspective must shift to the belief that value is inherent and unchanging. Our inherent perfection is not something that needs to be obtained, but simply who we are. It’s intrinsic, meaning it’s true regardless of external conditions, comparisons, or achievements. It can’t be gained or lost. Because it’s our identity, we can’t lose who we are. Insecurity only sees this value as a commodity. The lies that insecurity tells us are that value can only be earned through performance, it’s conditional, meaning it can be lost with failure and criticism, and it is achieved through a future goal that’s strived for.

The insecure person spends their lifetime chasing external validation. They spend years pursuing success, approval, and wealth, when the context behind these objects is our birthright. By seeing ourselves as separate and responsible for our own success, we refuse to see the world as generous. Instead of seeing ourselves as perfect, we’d rather extract it in the form of proof. Our only goals seem to be earning and then protecting this conditional value. By relying on the world to prove our value, we simultaneously make the world responsible for our insecurity. We believe that the world should spend energy to give us comfort, which is profoundly selfish.

What Does It Mean to Be Generous?

Insecurity is built on the belief in the personal story. The personal story is a narrative that tells me who I was, what I failed at, what I lack, and what I must become. Insecurity is the obsession of this story. It only goes away when we decide not to obsess over personal successes, failures, and comparisons. Once we do this, the energy needed to sustain this story ceases. Our identity then shifts subtly from self-improvement to self-realization.

It’s the realization that value isn’t personal; it’s inherent to you and those around you. It’s the light that you were told to let shine. We sing the song as kids, but forget it as adults. If this value is universal, then it can’t be threatened. It can’t be diminished, nor can it be lost. The fear that drives insecurity is the fear of lost value, but value seen through this perspective makes the fear nonsense. The source of our worth is unconditional and infinite. Only when we are aware of this can we find true generosity.

If our value is infinite, we can easily give it away. We give our time and talent without expecting validation. We are simply just allowing life to happen, and our gifts are a part of this life. The opposite of this is the insecure person projecting their insecurity onto others. How selfish is it to believe that others have the same limitations or are worse than you? When we let go of our insecurity, we stop imposing our negative beliefs on the universe. Seeing someone in their own perfection is the best gift you can give.

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