When we try to force an outcome, our minds narrow to only that outcome as a measure of success. Anything other than the expected outcome is unacceptable, as any other possibility is seemingly rejected. This is what we call tunnel vision. Our perspective is so narrow that only this result is okay, or only this behavior is tolerable. Out of this narrow-mindedness, the brain only scans for examples that confirm our bias. If the example doesn’t confirm our bias, we filter it out as something wrong.

Acceptance doesn’t mean that we are passive about what we perceive as negativity. It’s that we can be present with all possibilities without rejection. When we can consider multiple possibilities, our perspective broadens. More thoughts are allowed, and more emotions are welcomed. While force narrows all that is, the acceptance of what it allows us to see is more than what is. Our expectations no longer hold us back, but we are free to explore all the opportunities life has to offer.

Why Do We Use Force?

We tend to use force because force is a reaction based on survival skills. By using force, we are choosing to either confront reality or flee from it. This brings about a sense of defensiveness that causes us to be reactive, hyper-focused, and act with a sense of urgency or danger. Forcing an outcome is no different than the antelope sensing a lion as its prey. I almost wish we had animal documentaries that compare people to animals to see how we are no different from the survival nature of animals in the sea and on land. Just imagining a soft, British voice narrating a scene in an office building is amusing to me. When we need things to be a certain way, all we do is scan for threats that prevent this from happening. When the antelope wants to survive, it can’t help but do the same thing.

The lack of acceptance is where manipulation comes into play. People know that they can’t truly force others to do what they want, but perhaps manipulation is the answer. To change a person’s behavior, it’s beneficial to give them an incentive for that change. The opposite is true when we also provide threats to those who don’t change their nature. The power dynamics within relationships enable people to exert control over others to their liking. The boss can control the culture of a company because they can easily threaten an employee with being fired or forced to resign.

Forms of Manipulation

Manipulation tends to occur when we want someone to do or be something without directly telling them. I’m still trying to learn how to handle this form of manipulation, as I am a person who speaks directly and wants the clear option of choosing whether or not I want to do something. This doesn’t tend to happen much, at least in my experience. There are two common forms of manipulation that I hope to better navigate. I think it’s enough to give these examples as we talk about indirect force.

Guilt-Tripping

The first one is weaponizing obligation through guilt-tripping. This tactic utilizes a person’s conscious sense of duty or personal values to comply with a request. Through emotional debt, the person using the tactic makes the other party guilty of not holding up their end of the relationship. The target is then responsible for the negative emotions felt by the person being manipulated. This compels the target to act so that the distress is alleviated.

This idea of guilt-tripping plays a role in many of our interpersonal relationships. It might show up in family dynamics as parents get older and have more time to themselves. As a result, they expect their children to spend time with them regardless of the child’s wishes and schedule. This occurs in romantic relationships where the spouse doesn’t feel prioritized ,and the other person feels pressure to do what their spouse wants when there could be other relationships that need cultivating. It even shows up at work when a coworker says that you are not a team player because you aren’t willing to fulfill a request that they have.

All these instances are moments in which emotions are used to control a person to do what another person wants. Ironically, it’s seen as selfish if a person refuses, whereas the expectation of another person projected onto someone in relation is somehow accepted.

The Victim Mentality

There’s another option of manipulation in which an individual presents themselves as powerless. The goal here is to avoid responsibility while also gaining sympathy from the target due to perceived suffering. The person averts responsibility because the mistake or poor outcome is shifted to an external factor. As a result, the target feels compelled to help so that the perceived suffering can be alleviated.

This can look like an uncomfortable conversation, or an argument in which the person doesn’t want to communicate what’s happened or happening, so instead the person perceives the other as an attacker. This forces the other person to drop the argument, apologize, and stop holding the counterpart accountable for actions that led up to the conversation. The one apologizing now feels guilty for bringing the conversation up, but also still has unmet needs that the partner is unwilling to converse about.

These two forms of manipulation work so well together because if one is to guilt-trip another, they must also play the victim. The person acting upon a manipulation first frames themselves as a suffering, blameless party. This person then uses their target’s compassion and fairness as leverage to make a demand. Any refusal of the demand is further proof of one’s victimhood.

Limiting Others

By needing to control people and situations, we start to place limitations on both. Since our brains are limited, we feel a sense of security by making sure that everything is categorized. We use the binary category of good and bad. By categorizing everything by labels, we start to put ourselves in boxes by saying, “I must be this kind of person to be good.” Any instances of perceived immorality are hidden within us. Through projection, if we perceive this same immorality in others, we use it as confirmation of our goodness by contrasting it with how bad they are. It’s very easy to categorize a person, even by their first impression, disregarding the multitude of other characteristics they portray.

By categorization, we receive the false certainty of knowledge. We assume we know people and situations by the limitations we place upon them. As a result, we don’t see people as people. We don’t see people as beings with autonomy. Autonomy is too wild. It’s too unpredictable. In a world full of uncertainty, we grasp these illusions of certainty as much as we can.

Force feels powerful because of the “certainty” we receive; we believe that we are moving decisively in our actions, but really, we are just reacting. Instead of letting things unfold, we force them to happen. Instead of letting the wound heal on its own, we pick at the scab and call it productivity. Acceptance isn’t forgetting about the wound so that it heals on its own. It’s about staying in tune with the healing process without any unnecessary intervention.

Questions and Responses