When we try to force an outcome, our minds narrow to only that outcome as a measure of success. Anything other than the expected outcome is unacceptable, as any other possibility is seemingly rejected.

This is what we call tunnel vision. Our perspective is so narrow that only this result is okay, or only this behavior is tolerable.

From this narrow-mindedness, the brain scans only for examples that confirm our biases. If the example doesn’t confirm our bias, we filter it out as something wrong.

Acceptance doesn’t mean we passively face perceived negativity. It’s that we can be present with all possibilities without rejection.

When we can consider multiple possibilities, our perspective broadens. More thoughts are allowed, and more emotions are welcomed.

While force narrows all that is, the acceptance of what it allows us to see exceeds what is. Our expectations no longer constrain us, but we are free to explore all the opportunities life has to offer.

Why Do We Use Force?

We tend to use force because it is a survival-based response.

By using force, we choose either to confront reality or to flee from it. This elicits a defensive response, making us reactive, hyper-focused, and prone to act with a sense of urgency or danger.

Forcing an outcome is no different than the antelope sensing a lion as its prey. I almost wish we had animal documentaries that compared humans to animals, showing that we are no different from the survival strategies of animals in the sea and on land. Just imagining a soft, British voice narrating a scene in an office building is amusing to me.

When we need things to be a certain way, all we do is scan for threats that would prevent it. When the antelope wants to survive, it can’t help but do the same thing.

The lack of acceptance is where manipulation becomes evident. People know that they can’t truly force others to do what they want, but perhaps manipulation is the answer.

To change a person’s behavior, it’s beneficial to give them an incentive for that change. The opposite is true when we also threaten those who don’t change their behavior.

The power dynamics within relationships enable people to exert control over others to their liking. The boss can control a company’s culture because they can easily threaten employees with termination or forced resignation.

Forms of Manipulation

Manipulation often occurs when we want someone to do or be something without telling them directly. I’m still learning how to address this form of manipulation, as I speak directly and want a clear choice about whether to do something.

This doesn’t tend to happen much, at least in my experience. There are two common forms of manipulation that I aim to navigate more effectively. I think these examples are sufficient as we discuss indirect force.

Guilt-Tripping

The first one is weaponizing obligation through guilt-tripping. This tactic utilizes a person’s conscious sense of duty or personal values to comply with a request.

Through emotional debt, the person employing the tactic makes the other party feel guilty for not fulfilling their end of the relationship. The target is then responsible for the manipulated person’s negative emotions. This compels the target to act to alleviate the distress.

This idea of guilt-tripping plays a role in many of our interpersonal relationships.

It might show up in family dynamics as parents get older and have more time to themselves. As a result, they expect their children to spend time with them regardless of the children’s preferences and schedules.

This occurs in romantic relationships where one spouse feels underprioritized, and the other feels pressured to do what their spouse wants, even when other relationships need cultivation.

It even shows up at work when a coworker says you aren’t a team player because you aren’t willing to fulfill a request they have.

All these instances are moments when emotions are used to coerce someone into doing what another wants. Ironically, it’s seen as selfish if a person refuses, whereas the expectation projected onto someone in relation is somehow accepted.

The Victim Mentality

There’s another option of manipulation in which an individual presents themselves as powerless. The goal here is to avoid responsibility while also eliciting sympathy from the target through perceived suffering.

The person shifts responsibility by attributing the mistake or poor outcome to an external factor. As a result, the target feels compelled to help alleviate the perceived suffering.

This can take the form of an uncomfortable conversation or an argument in which the person doesn’t want to communicate what has happened or is happening, so instead they perceive the other as an attacker.

This compels the other person to drop the argument, apologize, and cease holding the counterpart accountable for actions that led to the conversation. The one apologizing now feels guilty for raising the topic, yet still has unmet needs the partner is unwilling to discuss.

These two forms of manipulation work so well together because if one is to guilt-trip another, they must also play the victim. The person acting upon a manipulation first frames themselves as a suffering, blameless party. This person then uses their target’s compassion and fairness as leverage to make a demand. Any refusal of the demand is further proof of one’s victimhood.

Limiting Others

When we feel the need to control people and situations, we begin to impose limitations on both. Because our brains are limited, we feel a sense of security when everything is categorized.

We use the binary category of good and bad. By categorizing everything with labels, we begin to put ourselves in boxes, saying, “I must be this kind of person to be good.”

Any instances of perceived immorality are hidden within us. Through projection, if we perceive this same immorality in others, we use it as confirmation of our goodness by contrasting it with how bad they are.

It’s very easy to categorize a person, even by their first impression, disregarding the multitude of other characteristics they portray.

By categorization, we receive the false certainty of knowledge. We assume we know people and situations by the limitations we place upon them.

As a result, we don’t see people as people. We don’t see people as autonomous beings. Autonomy is too wild. It’s too unpredictable. In a world full of uncertainty, we grasp these illusions of certainty as much as we can.

Force feels powerful because of the “certainty” we receive: we believe we are moving decisively in our actions, but in fact, we are merely reacting.

Instead of letting things unfold, we force them to happen. Instead of letting the wound heal on its own, we pick at the scab and call it productivity.

Acceptance isn’t forgetting about the wound so that it heals on its own. It’s about staying in tune with the healing process without any unnecessary intervention.

Questions and Responses