I would say that since the start of the pandemic, I have spent a good amount of time searching for the perfect job. The perfect job was defined by its value in providing meaningful work.

We collectively seek purpose in life. It seems to go to the thing we spend most of our time doing. This happens to be work.

I’ve come to realize that the search for meaningful work was an error in belief, as it inherently implies lack, as though I need meaningful work to be complete.

To seek purpose in work was to find wholeness beyond myself. Meaningful work tends to be external validation in the form of achievements, salaries, and promotions.

The more I sought these things, the less time I spent trying to recognize my worth. Each application entered and interview taken was a distraction from myself. This cycle of applying almost became a comfortable routine of escapism, as I continuously disregarded who I was without meaningful work.

I got the jobs that I wanted with the impact I thought I was to make, but with every new occupation came the same void. It caused me to want to create a new purpose.

First, I wanted to be an executive. That didn’t work out. Then I wanted to help spread love through the power of entertainment. That wasn’t right for me, either. Even now, I constantly question my choices.

The truth is, without meaningful work, I felt incomplete. My purpose was then to find something outside me to fill this void. This always meant that where I was was always insufficient.

The Issue of Self-Help

During the pandemic, I also had plenty of time to read. Unfortunately (I say this now), most of the books that I read during this slower time in the world were self-help books.

Self-help does a wonderful job of creating a gap between who you are and who you could be. The book presents a bridge that takes you from one place to another. The concept of purpose is its primary product.

Self-help books tend to do this by using language that constantly implies inadequacy, such as unrealized potential, unfulfilled life, or settling. The solution to this inadequacy is an action plan: finding your why, creating a vision board, or pivoting your career.

It reinforces the belief that action can “fix” the “problem.”

Self-help books weren’t the only things that led me to believe I was insufficient. Any form of productivity is a subtle belief that we are not good enough.

Our capitalistic society has marked productivity as a virtue.

To be productive, one must have a distinct goal toward which one strives. This means something must be wrong if you don’t. Judgment arises when we don’t have a clear purpose. In my quest for purpose, I’ve also been labeled lazy or irresponsible.

It took me some years later to realize that wanting meaningful work wasn’t liberation. It was a creative attempt to solidify an identity in work.

I Am Not My Actions

One of the biggest lies handed down to us is the idea that we are what we do. It’s why we greet each other by saying our titles.

As a result, we claim ownership of our actions. Not only this, but we expect others to be accountable for their actions, which keeps us further in the lie.

It’s not that we need to stop actions, it’s that we need not be identified with them.

How do I know that I’m not the owner of my actions? I tend to take ownership of them after the action has been done, not during. If I sneeze, I take ownership of sneezing, but did I have any control over the sneeze?

The same thing occurs with speaking. A thought forms in our mind. We speak the thought out loud. The thought then is a retroactive, I said that. But did you really? If so, why are there instances when we didn’t mean what we said?

The Predetermined Nature of Actions

I’ve written about this many times, but our actions seem predetermined. It’s the combination of cause, effect, and conditioning. We can’t help what we do, because the thoughts and actions leading up to it aren’t ours.

By conditioning, I mean the body’s response to genetics, past memories, and environmental input. Most of us would like to think we operate by free will, but the truth is, our actions are tied to a complex, automated mechanism that operates according to its nature.

Since we don’t live in a reality of free will, we create it ourselves to justify our existence. This justification is primarily done through action.

We use positive reinforcement to say things such as, “I work hard, so that means I deserve to be successful.” By being successful, we reinforce our values.

We also use negative reinforcement to do the same thing. We say, “I endured hardship, so that means I deserve consideration.” Failure, like success, reinforces the idea of a separate entity that acts. When we start paying attention to successes and failures, we realize that the action means nothing, but the claim on the action means everything.

So, I come back to this idea of being attached to outcomes. Wanting meaningful work typically means that I want meaningful outcomes. I started my work in a nonprofit because I was seeking meaningful impact.

With this in mind, I expected results, and I bound my self-worth to them. If I couldn’t find meaningful impact in my work, I saw only myself as the failure. Consequently, this only leads to frustration and anger.

The Cult of Optimization

If you thought productivity was unproductive, wait until you hear about optimization. Optimization had me in a particular stranglehold because my job in digital marketing is based on optimization.

However, optimization is no different than productivity as a path to self-improvement. Optimization can also be used as a tool to avoid confronting the inadequacies I felt within.

Instead of seeing myself as whole, I saw myself as a project that can only get better. I was the project and the project manager who saw that I must continuously tweak and perfect myself.

Once upon a time, I owned every optimization tool you could think of. I had a Fitbit and was among the first to own an Oura ring. Daily, I tracked my macros, my calories, my sleep, and my steps. I woke up with a morning routine that involved mushroom coffee. If you’ve heard of it, I’ve probably done it.

This kept me trapped in the idea that I constantly needed to do something. The optimization mindset will always create a gap between who I am and who I want to be, and action is always the bridge.

Controlling Outcomes Yet Again

Just as productivity rests on the assumption that a separate me can control the outcomes of a very complex system, so does optimization. This is no different from believing I can control the results of a campaign or a workout.

When the metrics inevitably fluctuate, the optimizer experiences anxiety, judgment, and frustration. This is proof that we are still attached to the outcome.

We continue to optimize because this, too, is seen as a virtue. Because we adhere to a routine, we see ourselves as disciplined. This, in turn, allows us to judge those who lack discipline. We don’t attribute obesity to genes that affect a person’s body. Instead, we would rather say that they are lazy.

If optimization allows us to separate ourselves from others, it becomes the root of our identity. Getting to the gym is a reflection of one’s self-worth, not just an activity.

When existential questions arise, like the question of purpose or meaningful work, we suppress them with the distraction of optimization. I spend more time thinking about how to improve my campaign than asking whether what I’m doing is even worth the effort.

Work is Work

Through all this recognition. I think the solution I need the most is a redefinition of work. It’s the practical action we need to take to survive in this world.

This means that work isn’t inherently infused with purpose. It’s just something we do.

To label the work as “good” or “bad”, “meaningful” or “unmeaningful” is to overlay the work with personal judgment. If I’m judging my work, I’m also judging myself. This means I can do with the work without being defined by it.

This also means being attached to the outcome. I work because work is done and nothing more. Moving forward, I no longer care if a campaign succeeds or fails. I don’t need to achieve anything. Achievement has nothing to do with my self-worth.

Ending the Search

The search for meaning in my work rests on the assumption that meaning can be gained or lost. Meaning can’t be found in jobs, relationships, or achievement, but in fully knowing our perfect worth.

It also means I’m seeking something beyond reality, even though everything in reality is meaningful. If it exists, there’s meaning. If everything has meaning, there is nothing that does not. Any thought that something is missing is just that, a thought.

The search for purpose inherently means that the present moment is lacking. It creates an illusion of hope for a better future where purpose can be found.

This isn’t liberation. Liberation doesn’t start until we realize we are right where we are supposed to be. The search is preventing the searcher from freedom. The search is a distraction from being.

If I have a problem, I must remember that the problem is never external. It’s always an issue with my identity. Am I a worker? No. Why then do I need meaningful work?

It’s because I have thoughts from past memories, sensations, and people who aren’t me telling me I need meaningful work. None of the reasons why I need meaningful work are actually mine.

With this, I can still do the work and perform my duties. The actions will continue. However, the action will be seen as a natural unfolding of life, with no illusion of ownership over the outcome.

Questions and Responses