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The Danger of Losing Yourself in Relationships
We know we are not in a loving relationship if we find ourselves sacrificing ourselves for what does not exist. Let me explain. Two or more people come together and they have a relationship. We give to the relationship and we take from the relationship. The relationship itself is not real. When we start to identify with the relationship or believe that we are the relationship, we get into trouble. We believe that we need to sacrifice ourselves for love, but love is everlasting. Relationships end. So when the relationship eventually ends (as all things do) we are stuck wondering who we are.
Power Dynamics
It’s kind of sad, but we’ve conditioned all of our relationships to have power dynamics. One is taking and the other one is giving. Sometimes one can take too much and the other may give reluctantly. It’s very hard to find equality. We start to lose ourselves when we want to forever please the other and call it romance. There’s nothing wrong with being romantic, but if it comes with exerting effort, are we truly in love? If it feels like a sacrifice to plan a day and hope that our significant other loves what we did, what are we doing to ourselves? The entire emphasis is on the other person. We may not even enjoy what we just planned.
Often there are power struggles, characterized by repeated, unresolved arguments, either about a single recurring issue or numerous trivial things. Many of them boil down to the question of who has control, whose needs will be met, or how intimate they will be. – Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT
Then there might be a case where we start to lose our autonomy. We are afraid to share our opinions because it might spark an argument. We even overlook the things that we don’t truly like within the other only with the hope to keep the peace. Every time our partner does or says a thing we don’t like, we die a little inside. We are afraid to say “no” because it may come with consequences. And, of course, this makes sense. We want to be happy. We want to feel the feelings we felt when we first met them. Happily ever after is supposed to be the ending of our story.
Codependency
As a result, we become dependent on our loved ones. Our world starts to revolve around them. I’ve experienced instances where I’d lose friends because they decided to spend more time with their significant other. Their interests are our interests. Their hobbies are our hobbies. We can’t do anything without our person being next to us. Little do we know, we are also losing self-esteem as the relationship progresses. When our partner gets mad, we feel responsible. We happen to also be the ones responsible for their happiness. Our values and opinions go out the window. But this is what we are taught in romantic movies, books, and music.
Losing ourselves to a relationship is what we call codependency. Our values and opinions are based on external circumstances such as relationships. Codependency isn’t limited to relationships. If we believe that our boss is who makes us happy at work, our day is dependent on how your treated, or how much money we have in the bank reflects our happiness, we are codependent.
Our entire livelihood is dependent on the things we cannot control, so when they inevitably end or we lose them, we fall into depression. Our goal, then, is to keep these things tightly towards us. This is how sacrifice is formed. We do work we don’t like because we are afraid of the circumstances if we quit. We maintain toxic friendships because we are afraid to be lonely. If we see ourselves our codependent in our exclusive relationships, we should also see how we are codependent in other areas.
Healthy Relationships
Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and dignity. We’ve yet to learn that relationships are not codependent, but interdependent. Yes, there is still give and take, but this give and take is consciously chosen rather than an obligation. We intermingle in many ways, but we also have boundaries for the things we find offensive.
There is no manipulation, everything is clearly expressed, and there is no fear of a split if a combination of two or more people comes naturally. Our security should never be threatened in a relationship, nor should our autonomy. We should have the confidence to speak up if we believe that we are not being treated equally in a relationship. Any conversation that expresses the descent of differences comes from a place of vulnerability, not defensiveness. We should enjoy relationships where everyone feels safe, secure, and dignified as individuals. Individuals that come together to make a better whole. Becoming a collective should never threaten ourselves as individuals, but enhance it.
Questions and Responses
What does it mean to lose yourself in a relationship?
Losing yourself in a relationship happens when you compromise your values, interests, or identity to prioritize the other person’s happiness. Over time, you might feel disconnected from who you are and rely on the relationship to define your self-worth.
How do power dynamics affect relationships?
Power dynamics create an imbalance where one person gives more, and the other takes more. This can result in one partner feeling responsible for maintaining harmony, often at the expense of their own needs, leading to frustration and resentment.
What is codependency, and how does it impact relationships?
Codependency occurs when someone’s sense of happiness and self-worth is tied to their relationship. They may feel responsible for their partner’s emotions, neglect their own needs, and struggle with setting boundaries. This dynamic can lead to emotional burnout and dependency on external validation.
What’s the difference between codependent and interdependent relationships?
In a codependent relationship, one or both partners rely heavily on each other to feel complete, often losing individuality in the process. In an interdependent relationship, both individuals maintain their sense of self while supporting each other, creating a healthy balance between connection and autonomy.
Can relationships survive without sacrificing individuality?
Yes, healthy relationships are built on mutual trust, respect, and autonomy. Both partners can pursue their individual interests and values while also supporting each other. Sacrifice should never mean compromising your identity. Instead, compromise should be a conscious, shared decision.
How can power struggles harm a relationship?
Power struggles arise when one or both partners compete for control, often leading to arguments about whose needs are more important. These conflicts can create a toxic dynamic where resentment builds, and the relationship becomes about winning rather than mutual understanding.
Why are boundaries important in relationships?
Boundaries help maintain a sense of self while fostering respect and trust. They prevent unhealthy dependence and ensure that each partner’s emotional needs are met without sacrificing individuality. Boundaries also create space for healthy conflict resolution and personal growth.
What role does autonomy play in healthy relationships?
Autonomy allows both partners to maintain their identity and make decisions independently. It ensures that the relationship enhances personal freedom rather than limiting it. With autonomy, each person feels secure in expressing their opinions without fear of conflict or rejection.
Can healthy relationships have compromises without sacrifice?
Yes, compromise is a natural part of relationships, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of losing yourself. Healthy compromise happens when both partners willingly adjust for the good of the relationship, without feeling forced to abandon personal values or needs.
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