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The Case for Removing Rigidity
They say that if you want change you have to take it by force. There needs to be a revolution. I’ve never seen a revolution that wasn’t fought in the streets. Do you want to start a real revolution? Do you want to create real change? Try being more gentle. What is more revolutionary than being soft in a world that is anything but? As a male growing up in this violent-forward world. I was always taught that force should be met with force. If I were to get hit at school, I was expected to fight, or at least stick up for myself. Things aren’t much different now. With every perception of being attacked, we must defend ourselves. They say iron sharpens iron, but what happens when two pillows meet? That just feels much more pleasant.
Is Softness a Strength?
When we think of strong things, we think of things that are hard and solid. We don’t necessarily think that a cloud as strength. When Kobe Bryant looked over to Dwight Howard and called him “soft”, he wasn’t paying him a compliment. Imagine if the world was soft in our actions in our speech. What if we gave our family members a little bit more grace, or didn’t feel the need to defend ourselves in the face of judgment? In a world that only expects fighting, bickering, and argument, I think doing the opposite shows a lot of strength. Imagine making a mistake and being berated by a manager and greeting that example of mistreatment with a smile and a willingness to learn more.
I know this is something I have to do, especially when it comes to receiving feedback. I don’t necessarily have to agree with anything told to me, but my empathic listening skills may need an upgrade. Defending myself seems to be second nature, especially when I know I’ll be in a situation where judgment will follow. I know that when I make a mistake, someone can call into question my character. I can sit there, listen, and detach knowing that none of it is true. That sounds a whole lot better than arguing my case.
Kindness as the Norm
I’m honestly tired of the notion that we should be kind to other people because we don’t know what they are going through. I don’t think any of that matters. A person can be living a perfect life, free from suffering and they still deserve kindness. We should be more gentle in our speech and our actions as a practice towards every single person while giving ourselves grace because we know that we are going to miss the mark at times.
We truly live in a culture where violence is the norm. A culture of attack and retaliate. It’s not just in our actions, but it is in our speech. To do well at something, we must “kill it” or you “kicked some ass.” If something needs to start, we need to “pull the trigger.” Multitasking is called “killing two birds with one stone.” What did the birds do to you? Words of violence are such a part of our nomenclature. It’s kind of unbelievable how aggression is so integrated into our culture. I am a big television watcher. Starting this past week I decided I was no longer going to watch television shows with violence in it. I feel like I can’t watch anything, but children’s cartoons and sitcoms. It’s no wonder why it’s so hard to respond with our hearts when we are met with hatred and hurt.
The Benefit of Gentleness
The best part about gentleness is that it’s contagious. If you find yourself within what could be an argument, your soft voice allows the other person to soften. When we are too rigid, we don’t allow ourselves to be open to what another person has to say. We don’t expand our perspectives and are not allowed to be vulnerable enough to take in new information.
We are taught to be rigid, but rigid things die. Think about the nature around you. A palm tree can withstand a tropical storm because it can bend. Its trunk is soft enough that when heavy winds hit the tree, all it does is withstand it with buoyancy. We are taught to be hard, but most dead things are hard.
A hard twig is easy to snap from a tree. In the fall, leaves turn from a soft green to a hard brown and it makes it fun to step on when they fall to the ground. The same thing can be said for the storms in our lives. If we are to be rigid, expect some sort of snapping. We’ll pretend to be strong, but through that strength, we get hurt the most. When we are gentle, we have the fluidity to go wherever the storm takes us, knowing that we’ll still be standing as if the storm never happened.
Questions and Responses
What does it mean to be gentle in a world that values force and aggression?
Being gentle in today’s world means consciously choosing softness in your actions and speech, even when society expects you to respond with force or aggression. It’s about meeting conflict with calmness, choosing kindness over retaliation, and embracing the idea that real strength can come from gentleness. In a world where we’re often encouraged to “fight back,” gentleness is revolutionary because it goes against the grain of what’s expected, showing that softness can actually create more lasting change.
Isn’t being soft seen as a weakness, especially in a competitive world?
There’s a common misconception that softness equates to weakness, but it takes tremendous strength to remain gentle in challenging situations. When Kobe Bryant called Dwight Howard “soft,” it was meant as an insult because we typically equate strength with being tough or unyielding. But imagine if we all approached mistakes, feedback, or judgment with grace rather than defensiveness. True strength is being able to stay calm, open, and kind, especially when faced with anger or criticism. In a world that expects harshness, responding with softness can be a powerful act of resilience.
How can I practice gentleness, especially in difficult or confrontational situations?
Practicing gentleness starts with being mindful of how you react, especially in moments of conflict. Instead of immediately defending yourself or reacting with frustration, take a moment to listen and absorb what’s being said without judgment. You don’t have to agree with criticism or feedback, but you can respond with empathy and a calm demeanor. This approach creates a more peaceful interaction and allows for greater understanding. It also helps to remind yourself that gentleness isn’t about being passive—it’s about choosing a thoughtful, measured response.
Why do we associate violence or aggression with success?
Violent language and imagery are deeply ingrained in our culture, from everyday expressions like “killing it” or “pulling the trigger” to how we describe success and achievement. This aggressive mindset is normalized to the point where many of us equate success with domination or force. It reflects how deeply our society values competition and strength in a very rigid way. But success doesn’t have to be tied to violence or aggression—there’s a lot of power in being calm, kind, and collaborative, which often leads to more sustainable, long-term success.
Can gentleness really create change in a world so focused on toughness?
Absolutely. Gentleness can be transformative because it disarms people and creates space for open communication. When you respond with softness, especially in heated situations, it can soften the other person’s stance as well. Gentleness builds bridges rather than walls, allowing for deeper connections and mutual understanding. In a culture where toughness is often glorified, responding with kindness and empathy stands out and can inspire others to do the same. It’s the kind of change that might not be as loud as a revolution but is just as impactful.
How can gentleness be contagious?
When you approach someone with a calm and gentle demeanor, it often encourages them to mirror that behavior. Gentleness has a way of diffusing tension. If you’re in a situation that could escalate into an argument, using a soft tone and kind words can help ease the atmosphere, allowing both parties to feel heard and respected. It encourages vulnerability and openness, creating an environment where people feel safe to express themselves without fear of judgment or retaliation. This ripple effect of gentleness can transform relationships, workplaces, and even communities.
Why do you think our society struggles to embrace gentleness?
Our society is built around the idea that strength means being tough, competitive, and unyielding. We’re taught from a young age to defend ourselves, fight for what we want, and not show vulnerability, because that’s seen as weakness. As a result, gentleness is often misunderstood or undervalued. But being gentle requires emotional intelligence and self-awareness, which are just as important as physical strength or competitiveness. The world struggles to embrace gentleness because it goes against long-standing cultural norms that associate power with aggression.
What’s the benefit of practicing gentleness in my daily life?
Practicing gentleness can bring peace, not just to your interactions with others but also to your relationship with yourself. It helps reduce stress and anxiety, promotes better communication, and fosters deeper, more meaningful connections. Gentleness allows you to be more flexible and resilient in the face of challenges. Just like a palm tree bends in a storm, staying soft helps you withstand life’s difficulties without breaking. Over time, gentleness helps you live with more compassion, patience, and clarity, benefiting both your personal and professional relationships.
How can I change my mindset from being rigid to embracing softness?
Shifting your mindset starts with awareness. Notice when you’re being defensive, rigid, or overly critical, and ask yourself if there’s a gentler way to approach the situation. Practice pausing before you react—give yourself the space to breathe and reflect. You can also try to reframe situations where you might usually react with frustration or anger, by viewing them as opportunities for understanding and growth. Gentleness, like any skill, takes time and practice, but the more you lean into it, the more natural it becomes.
How does being gentle with others affect how we see ourselves?
When we practice gentleness with others, it often translates to how we treat ourselves. If you’re kind and patient in your interactions, it becomes easier to extend that same grace inward. Being gentle with yourself means recognizing that you’re human, that you’ll make mistakes, and that’s okay. It’s about letting go of harsh self-criticism and allowing yourself to grow without judgment. By fostering a gentler, more compassionate view of others, you cultivate a more nurturing and forgiving mindset toward yourself as well.