It seems to be morally right to help others. I wouldn’t disagree with this statement. However, there’s a fundamental error in believing that when we help others, we aren’t helping ourselves. This creates a sense of conflict between whether giving to someone else is self-sacrifice. Giving to others feels like a zero-sum game when we feel like we are giving too much of ourselves because we can’t find a way to maximize our well-being while fulfilling the moral demand to give. This is why recipients are often compelled to express gratitude after receiving something. The thank you is to acknowledge the sacrifice.

Two things tend to occur when it comes to this external value system. We either hoard the things we have because they are what give us value, or we excessively give because we are addicted to the external validation that comes with it. Either way, we are basing our value on external factors by distributing finite resources to two separate individuals. When we give, a sense of moral confusion and resentment arises because giving to another involves the diminishing of our own funds, energy, and resources. Altruism always fails when it is positioned as a loss for the giver. A change tends to happen when we can see that the person we are helping is no different than ourselves.

Giving to Ourselves

What if all giving was self-giving? If we can understand that two people are distinct yet part of a unified system, it’s not hard to believe that giving to another also benefits us. If you don’t believe me, take a look at your body’s circulatory system. The job of the circulatory system is to pump blood throughout the body. If you’re body were seen as separate entities, pumping blood to your feet would mean less blood for your hands. In this example, we would infer that the hands give blood to the feet, but that’s not actually the case. The circulatory system transports blood from the heart to the extremities, including the hands and feet. If the feet need added blood to heal a wound, the entire system stands to benefit, including the hands.

True giving is when there’s a mutual benefit for all involved. The moment the foot is healthy, the mobility, stability, and integrity of the entire body are secured. The hands, even if they are far up the body, benefit from the health of the feet. If less blood was pumped to the hands in favor of a wounded foot, there’s no sacrifice that the hands can hold onto. The hands also don’t have to wait for a thank you from the feet. Because the feat is secure within the system, it secures the longevity of the hands as a part of the system. If the system (body) dies because of a foot injury, there are no hands.

Revealing our Interconnectness

Applying this bodily example to our real life, this metaphor only works if we see ourselves as interconnected. If we see each other as two separate containers, giving to someone will feel like a depletion of ourselves. The alternative is not seeing ourselves as giving a hand to the feet, but rather a circulation that helps sustain the system. In this case, the system would be life. Giving the former way would mean that the gain of the external is delayed and dependent on external gratitude. The other way makes the gain internal, immediate, and intrinsic to the health of life itself.

How do we know if we are giving in a way that’s intrinsic to the health of the system? We don’t need a thank you. It’s evident in the joy, connection, and relief we feel. These are not rewards, but rather intrinsic feelings that arise from recognizing that your actions benefit not only yourself but also others, due to our interconnectedness. For example, cleaning up the environment helps others, but it also improves the quality of air, water, and community health that we rely on every day. True giving is knowing that helping something or someone else is also an improvement to your own existence. Here we realize that there is no separation between our self-interest and universal well-being. We’ve recognized that there’s no difference between the giver and the receiver. Self-care is caring about the whole. Giving is simply a matter of maintaining your own health.

Questions and Responses