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Perpetrating a Cycle of Guilt and Punishment
When we believe that we are guilty of something, what we are truly asking for is punishment. We believe that we don’t deserve the things that we have and it is up to someone to take them away. If no one comes to fill this responsibility, we typically do it to ourselves. When we break down guilt to its essence, we learn that guilt is merely the fear of punishment. You did something wrong, and you’re afraid of the repercussions. You know the feeling when you’ve done something you weren’t supposed to do and now you have to wait for a parent to get home. That’s guilt.
Once we receive our punishment, the guilt is gone. We’ve made amends. We can no longer fear the punishment in which we’ve endured. What happens when that punishment never comes? To get rid of the fear, we learn to punish ourselves. We believe that only when we go through punishment will we be free of the guilt. This is not only the dominant perspective of our justice system, but it’s how we treat ourselves after we make a mistake. We believe that people earn their freedom by going to prison. We also believe that overcompensating can relieve us of an earlier mistake.
Punishment is Relief
There is a reason why the justice system doesn’t work. The issue with guilt is that we believe in the duality of good and bad. The problem with perceiving actions in this black-and-white nature is that doing anything we perceive to be bad will trigger guilt. When we do something bad, we believe that we then deserve punishment. Ironically, we unconsciously treat this punishment as a reward because it relieves us of our fear of the punishment. We then become addicted to this punishment because we no longer have to fear the punishment for what we’ve done. Whenever we eventually make a mistake we can always rely on the punishment to free us from the guilt. As a child, I’ve always felt better after the punishment than before. Once I had gone through whatever my parents planned for me, I knew I was absolved. It teaches us that if I feel bad about what I’ve done, I can be punished and I’ll feel good again.
Self-Punishment
If we don’t have the justice system or our parents to punish us when we feel guilty, we do it ourselves. We do it through punishment like negative self-talk and perfectionism. We force ourselves never to make a mistake again so that we don’t live in fear of punishment. A company will have the value of innovation, but will also be quick to point out a mistake made by another thus producing guilt in the person who made the mistake. The company will then lose the innovation within this worker because to not feel the fear of defamation, this person no longer takes risks.
A lot of us punish ourselves by not taking care of ourselves. Our bad habits when it comes to our physical health are due to our fear of punishment. We work through lunch with a bag of fast food because we are afraid that our work isn’t done promptly. Late night study sessions occur, producing a lack of sleep, due to our fear of failing a class. Work goes into the weekend because we are afraid that we won’t keep an arbitrary deadline. The anxiety when it comes to fear of punishment is typically what we call stress. It’s kind of wild that we dare to call some stress healthy.
How to Heal
What do we do instead? The best thing to do is to put yourself in timeout. Yes, just like when you were a child. The only difference here is that we are not positioning timeout as a punishment. Timeout, when done right, is a place for healing. If you don’t know what healing looks like, take a look at your body.
What happens when you skin your knee? Your body heals the skin without you having to do anything. What happens when you have a cold? Your white blood cells attack the germs within your body to relieve you from the sickness. Again, you have nothing to do. Sure you can put some cream on your knee, or you can take cold medicine. These things might be helpful in the short term but might be harmful in the long term. Cold medicine only combats the symptoms of the cold. Does that mean it also weakens the white blood cells because it feels like there isn’t much to fight? Aren’t we told that to build immunity, we must play in the dirt? Just allow the germs to happen. In the same way, we heal from guilt by just being with. Letting it pass through without having to do anything about it. In this moment of silence maybe we can find the good in our mistake and learn more about who we are because of it.
Questions and Responses
What is guilt, really?
Guilt is the fear of punishment. When we feel guilty, it’s because we believe we’ve done something wrong and expect consequences. This feeling is often tied to fear, like when you were a kid and worried about getting in trouble after doing something wrong. It’s less about the mistake and more about dreading what might happen next.
Why does punishment seem to relieve guilt?
Punishment feels like a way to clear the slate. Once we’ve been punished, we no longer fear what might happen because we’ve already faced it. That’s why people often feel a sense of relief after punishment—it ends the uncertainty. We can’t fear something that’s already happened, so the guilt starts to fade.
What happens when the punishment never comes?
If no one steps in to punish us for a mistake, we often take matters into our own hands. We start punishing ourselves, whether through negative self-talk, perfectionism, or overworking. It’s a way to try to deal with the guilt by making sure we “pay” for what we’ve done, even if no one else is holding us accountable.
Why do people tend to self-punish after making mistakes?
Self-punishment happens because we believe that facing consequences will make the guilt go away. If there’s no external punishment, we try to relieve the fear of guilt by pushing ourselves to work harder, criticize ourselves more, or avoid future mistakes at all costs. It’s like we think, “If I punish myself enough, I’ll feel better.”
How does guilt and punishment impact our daily lives?
Guilt often leads to self-sabotaging behavior, like skipping meals to finish work or losing sleep to meet deadlines. These habits aren’t healthy, but they’re driven by the fear of falling short or facing consequences. We end up stressing ourselves out as a form of punishment for not being perfect, which ironically leads to more mistakes.
Why do we view some types of stress as “healthy”?
It’s a common belief that a certain amount of stress is good because it motivates us to get things done. But often, this stress is just our fear of punishment in disguise. We call it “healthy” to justify working long hours or pushing ourselves beyond our limits, but this kind of stress usually leads to burnout, not productivity.
How can we break the cycle of self-punishment?
The first step is to stop viewing punishment as a solution. Instead of punishing ourselves for mistakes, we can take a moment to pause and reflect. Think of it as putting yourself in a “timeout”—not as punishment, but as a space for healing. Just like your body naturally heals a cut or fights off a cold, you can heal from guilt by allowing yourself to be still and let it pass.
What does “healing from guilt” actually look like?
Healing from guilt means giving yourself time and space to process your emotions without rushing to fix or punish yourself. It’s like when you scrape your knee—your body heals it on its own, without you doing anything. In the same way, you can let go of guilt by acknowledging it and allowing it to fade without punishing yourself.
Is it possible to find something positive in a mistake?
Absolutely. Mistakes are opportunities for growth. When we stop focusing on punishment and take a moment to reflect, we can learn valuable lessons from what happened. Maybe the mistake shows us something important about ourselves or helps us improve. The key is to approach it with curiosity, not self-criticism.
How can I handle guilt in a healthier way?
Instead of reacting to guilt with punishment, try sitting with the feeling and reflecting on why it’s there. Give yourself permission to be human and make mistakes. Take a “timeout” to breathe, think, and let the guilt pass. With time, you’ll find that you don’t need punishment to feel better—you can move forward by understanding and forgiving yourself.