What is true humility? C.S. Lewis probably said it best when he said that true humility is not thinking less of oneself, but thinking about ourselves less. If we are thinking about opposites, my definition of true humility is the ability to take on the mind of the collective while being an individual. It’s to be an individual with the empathy of those who are not me. When we constantly think about ourselves, we fall into this trap called pride. We don’t believe pride is detrimental to our well-being. We should be prideful of our careers, families, and possessions. Our celebrations have months dedicated to it. Why care for something that can easily be the gateway drug to narcissism?

Pride typically gets the best of us in both positive and negative situations. I still have instances where I find myself praising myself for the good things I’ve done. I also feel guilty to myself when I make a mistake. Neither one of these reactions is healthy. Even when I think of other people it comes in the form of how they benefited me. It’s worse when the scenario is seemingly negative as I constantly ruminate over how someone has harmed me. What is the opposite? The opposite is showing gratitude toward someone who’s helped me and compassion towards the person who has hurt me. Neither scenarios have anything to do with me.

It’s very difficult to think about others because we think about ourselves all the time. Thinking about ourselves is a form of survival. We are said to lose control when every thought isn’t focused on ourselves. This idea gets us into trouble because it gives us the belief that we are the most important and our first priority. I believe this is where the notion of self-love comes from. There’s nothing wrong with loving ourselves, but it becomes a problem when we think that we are the only center of our universe.

Unaware of Pride

Pride is such a sneaky vice. It’s very hard to be aware if we are thinking too much of ourselves. A good barometer is if we say the pronouns “I” and “me” way too often. Are we aware that calling ourselves a self-made success is the quintessential notion of pride? We do nothing alone. Yet, I find myself in projects praising myself because of how something wouldn’t have happened unless I did it. How I should be doing something over someone else because I’m “better” at it. I used to think entire businesses wouldn’t be successful without me. If that’s not pride, I don’t know what is. I really want to get to the point where saying I wrote this is problematic. I’ve already used “I” way too often in this paragraph.

If pride is the preoccupation with ourselves, shaming ourselves about being prideful is not going to be the antidote. If anything shame and guilt come from the intention of pride because, again, we are only thinking of ourselves. The more we attribute negativity towards ourselves, the more we spiral into the states of depression we seek to remove ourselves from, ironically with more pride. The pride that gives us a sense of self-worth is no different than the pride that degrades us. Obsession with our successes is no different than obsession with our failures. It seems like the only real solution to pride is humility in which we forget ourselves. A humility that doesn’t take credit for success while also not taking accountability for failures. That’s a radical notion. I know you’re squirming while reading this.

A History of Pride

But how does one essentially forget ourselves when we live in a society that is predicated on us thinking about ourselves from the beginning of life? We go to school where we take pride in our grades. We compare ourselves to other people while our parents compare us to their friend’s children. When we accomplish a good grade on a project or on a test, we only attribute it to how well we studied. It’s our accomplishment alone. At the same time, when we fail at something, the failure is our own. Yes, we work on group projects, but we remain fixated on how another person affects our grade. If we are high achievers we will easily concede to do all of the work if that means that we have the best possible grade. No one is to blame for our struggles in school but us.

If we want to go to college, we must document our achievements and our achievements alone. We talk about the sports we’ve played, the extracurricular activities we’ve joined, and all of our academic achievements, but are never asked how our actions have affected others. The same thing happens when we go off to our careers. We don’t receive jobs, we earn them. Our resumes tend to be one or two pages of our personal achievements. If our achievements aren’t good enough, we risk poverty. We have to think about ourselves to survive.

Ironically, some of us are placed into careers where being a part of a team is paramount. How when we still have performance reviews? How when the basis of a promotion is my personal achievements compared to others? Is it possible to think collectively when the whole nature of success is that only a few make it? If I want to be successful, I must then compete with you because there’s only one spot. The classifications that make one “better” than another are arbitrary at best. How are we to be a part of a team when we never learned how to be?

A Big Bang Theory

If you are a fan of the Big Bang Theory and Young Sheldon, you know a bit about its main character, Sheldon Cooper. From the beginning of the series, we see Sheldon as a very prideful person, putting all of his self-worth into his intelligence. As a child, he was recognized as a genius by his parents, school, and others around him. His mother, in particular, constantly praised his intellect, only forging a strong sense of self-worth for young Sheldon.

Throughout his life, Sheldon was told that he was special due to his high IQ and his scientific talent. This specialness only became a strong aspect of his identity. This pride in his intelligence leaves Sheldon incomplete, struggling in other aspects of his life, namely the social aspects. His superiority in his intelligence blinds him from seeing how it negatively affects the people around him.

Character Flaws

Throughout the series, we can see Sheldon’s strong characteristics in social predicaments. His superiority in thinking often makes way to dismiss the opinions of others coming to the conclusion that there is only one way to do things… his way. He often corrects people while being oblivious to how his behavior comes off as condescending. It’s almost like he’s blind to the emotional needs of the people around him. He struggles with understanding why his words can hurt people because he’s more focused on being correct logically. We, as the audience, can tell that Sheldon genuinely cares for his roommates, but he still fails to see how his pride can often strain relationships. I can definitely relate.

The ironic contradiction about Sheldon is that he constantly needs validation for we know is his strength. The thing that brings him pride is also the thing that brings him insecurity. This is why understanding opposites and realizing they are the same thing is highly important. He knows that he’s smart, but needs the validation from his mother and others to reaffirm that he’s the “best.” When he believes that his intellect isn’t being properly recognized, he becomes agitated and frustrated. Again, something I can relate to.

A Little Closer to Humility

We all love a good show with character development and we get that with The Big Bang Theory. As the series progresses, Sheldon starts to see how his pride affects the relationships he has with his friends and his girlfriend, Amy. Although he never really leaves the pride of his intellect, he starts to see how his actions emotionally affect others and the importance of considering the feelings of others. Most of all, he realizes that the skill that brought him to this point in his life does not completely define him. The same can be said about us and our stories.

Collective Pride

Those who have a collective mindset aren’t off the hook by the way. We must always look at the intention of why we act. Our actions come because we love our fellow person, but in more collective cultures, it’s more accurate that we give to our community because we are afraid of the shame that would occur if we did not. We are still thinking about ourselves.

It’s so bad that we feel obligated to do nice things like give gifts. Families hand out loads of money just because they are afraid of the shame from the recipient if no gift is given. Auntie is so cheap, she didn’t even buy me a gift. She doesn’t love me. WILD! We didn’t adopt seat belts until there was a law obligating it. I think that’s crazy. We shouldn’t conform due to loss of standing within the community, but because we have the opportunity to uplift it.

A Girl Worth Fighting For

I’m sorry to mess with people’s childhoods, but Mulan might be a great example of collective pride. Mulan starts off with our main character feeling deep disappointment that she doesn’t conform to the standards of her community. With rigid gender roles and the importance of family honor, she’s not able to be a suitable wife for another male as it is not part of her true nature. Every woman around her seems to effortlessly fit into the role while Mulan is having trouble. Even though Mulan wants to be her truest self, she has a conflict with the obligation of honoring her father with the customs of her people.

Instead, Mulan makes the decision to dress as a man and take her father’s place in a war. Through her bravery, she saves China and earns the respect of her fellow soldiers, thus redefining what it means for her to be successful. She receives the respect of the Emperor and later her community, all through unconventional means. All this sounds great on the surface, but we really have to look at her intention. Why did she do these things?

She did it for herself in hopes that she could be accepted within her community. Even though she did great things to help an entire country, she did not join the army to help her country. She did not join the army to help her community. I’m sorry to say she did it with selfish intent. This is not to badmouth Mulan. What she does in her story is remarkable. It’s just kind of sad that she has to do it. She lives in a society that prioritizes pride. This movie is then distributed into a society that prioritizes pride.

Where Did She Go Wrong?

The alternative for her could be to accept that she’s not like the others yet help her community in any way possible. She didn’t have to go to war at all. Will this bring her shame? Most likely. So in that case it makes sense for her to find another way to gain honor. This shame is the reason why we take action. This is what we are taught as children. Our actions and our achievements only come as a defense of shame from the collective. It’s the same guilt we feel when we make a mistake.

Again, we are unaware of this, but guilt isn’t the negative feeling of doing something wrong. Guilt is the fear of being punished for doing something wrong. Pride defends us from this guilt. It’s what springs us to find redemption much like what Mulan did. Yes, the outcomes were positive, but did Mulan really learn anything from her experience other than success looks like exceeding the expectations of her community so that she doesn’t get hurt? The pride is very strong in this young lady. Even as she believes she’s taking the place of her father to help her father, she’s really doing it prove her honor.

Conclusion

The solution to pride is humility, but it’s a type of humility that’s never been taught to us. It’s a forgetting of oneself in service of those around us. This is the road I’m walking down. I have to tell you, it’s difficult. It’s difficult to not take credit for the good things in my life. It is also difficult to take on the guilt of bad things. My only objective is to be aware of when these things happen so that I can change my perspective outward. I need to do a better job of praising other people while deflecting praise from myself. I need to allow others to be promoted and acknowledged ahead of me. After years of only caring about myself, it’s time I start recognizing others. These are my gifts. I guess that’s what it is meant by it’s better to give than to receive.