What is more influential than someone’s approval or disapproval? It seems to be prevalent in society. I work towards someone’s approval at every stage of life. It’s easy to get trapped in the perspectives of others and thus lose myself. In some cases, this can bring about positive change, but this depends on the intention of the one approving it. Some can use their likes and dislikes to control who I am within this relationship.

Conformity in Community

As noted countless times, humans are social beings. I crave the connection of other people. Since I know this, I can manipulate this yearning to belong into something beneficial. I can create conditions that others must abide by to be accepted. The idea of conditions is the case for most groups. To be a part of this community, you must follow the rules and values set by the community. This allows communities to ostracize people who don’t live up to the ideal. This means that communities are not only defined by what they are but also by what they are not.

We see this play out a lot in the working environment. A job is needed to survive. So, if I want to survive, I must also conform to the ideals of the business. I must find approval amongst the ranks of the organization. If I don’t, I run the risk of being fired. My only choice is to find a company that aligns somewhat with who I am or deal with my situation to pay my bills. The choices are quite slim.

Used for Domination

Approval and disapproval can dominate others, even if it is not intentional. People in authority can use the need for approval to express their power. The approval process in many bureaucratic organizations tends to have little to do with getting things done right but with ensuring that someone in power authorizes an action from someone lower on the hierarchy. With this need for approval, the person in power can influence the work of another by not giving them the go-ahead on work that is not their liking. Sometimes, these approvals may have little to do with strategy but personal preference. The need for approval also fosters a culture of dependence in which those in a subordinate role stay submissive to their superior, thus undermining a person’s autonomy.

It Starts at an Early Age

I say that I want love, but time after time, this type of love comes with conditions. Like anything I’ve learned, this is due to standard parenting. Parents typically use approval and disapproval to teach behavior. This behavior the child is to learn is just as subjective as the manager requiring approval. If a child does something that is disapproved of a parent, then the child is typically labeled “bad,” and the parent will use this sense of disapproval so that the child knows how to be “good.” If done excessively, the child will project this need for approval beyond the parents and develop people-pleasing tendencies. The child will look outside of themselves for validation, shrinking any sense of self-confidence. Their confidence is dependent on the approval of others, and any disapproval is now seen as a failure.

The Darkside of Recognition

I have no interest in acknowledgment and recognition. For every person or subset of people recognized for their accomplishments, another person or group believes they are insufficient. I guess recognizing people can be a great motivator, but this motivation only benefits the company. Those recognized are expected to maintain the same output level, while those who need to be recognized for an esteem boost will work harder towards that recognition. This does very little for the well-being of the individual. The antithesis of public recognition is public shaming, which is equally prevalent. Public shaming, whether in the workplace or throughout society, leads to conformity through fear of judgment.

The Awareness of Authenticity

The best thing I can do for me to not be controlled by approval or disapproval is to be aware of its intent. I have to understand whether praise is being used as a tool for manipulation. I also have to see if the support that I receive is based on the condition of meeting expectations. If I am only being praised when I’m doing something “good” and not receiving that same support when things are going “bad,” the good support means nothing to me. It means nothing to me because it was never genuine, only dependent on my performance or the role I must play.

Not being aware of this form of control can have me fluctuate emotions based on my performance, thus chasing the highs and avoiding the lows. If I can’t avoid the lows (due to my lack of control), I risk eroding my self-esteem. As a result, I will continue to make mistakes, making it harder to make decisions and increasing my vulnerability to more manipulation. It will become a cycle that will be hard to escape.

This doesn’t mean that I can’t accept any praise or recognition. It only means that I have to discern whether this praise is authentic. Genuine compliments strengthen bonds between people and foster a sense of belonging. However, this need for belonging becomes an issue when it becomes a power play for personal gain. Instead of trying to manipulate each other into behaviors that benefit us, let’s foster a community of unconditional dignity, harmony, and respect regardless of success or mistake. I know this is a utopia, so I have to do my best to separate self-worth from the opinions of others and embrace my own limits and imperfections.

Questions and Responses