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How I Rebuilt My Confidence From the Ground Up
Thinking back on my story, confidence was the thing I lost the most when failing at my different job stops. I return to the idea of the three little pigs, realizing I built my foundation on straw and sticks. When life’s winds came around, my house fell. I questioned everything. Was I good at my job like I thought I was? Am I incompetent? Did I bite off more than I can chew trying to reach director status? The lack of confidence led me into a period of high anxiety and bouts of depression. Building confidence is only one part. It’s the willpower to endure life’s storms with our heads held high in dignity.
Confidence is the foundation for life. I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me. Yet, with experience, I’ve come to find out that we do nothing if we don’t have confidence in ourselves. It does depend, however, on where your confidence comes from. My confidence was more a case of pride. I knew I could do my job, but I also believed that I could do the job of others better than they could. This isn’t confidence. This is bound to falter once you realize you can’t do what another person does once you drive into their lane. “I can” is the phrase of confidence. My sense of “confidence” was dependent on the people around me. It wasn’t until I got intimate with my failures and limitations, did I started to build my confidence back up with brick.
What is Confidence?
In the spirit of nondualism, let’s define confidence. Confidence for me is knowing that I can. The opposite of this is knowing that I can’t. As we combine these I’d like to define confidence as knowing that I can with the acceptance, acknowledgment, and allowance of what I can’t. If I accept my limitations there is no way I can lose confidence. It’s only when I’m surprised by limitations that I can start falling.
It’s taking action towards something, knowing that there are going to be blockages and hurdles, but going through means that I know is possible for me. This is an easy definition for all of us because this is how we treat everything else that comes with limitations. I’m confident that if my car starts, I can drive to my location. I know that my car is limited to the street, so I won’t ever drive into a lake if I see it as a shortcut.
Culture constantly makes us aware of “our place” and challenges whether we have what it takes. – Lynn Cowell
I think our confidence is tested for good reason. The test is much like the three little pigs. Wind is inevitable, so we are tested to see whether our confidence is built on a stable foundation. This wind typically comes in the form of society telling us what box we should fit into. It takes confidence to be ourselves. To say we can. Something or someone will inevitably come to try to test this theory. If we build our confidence in things that we can lose, our house will surely fall. When we build our confidence in our work, our position, our house, our spouse, our kids, and anything else that is impermanent we are building with sticks. Tomorrow we can lose our job, lose our salary, foreclose on a house, get divorced, or pass away. This inevitably leaves our sense of self homeless.
Ms. Marvel
One of my favorite shows in the Marvel Cinematic Universe is Ms. Marvel. Kamala Khan, the Pakistani-American teenager from Jersey, is a very relatable character in regards to maintaining one’s confidence. In a world where most superheroes are white men, Khan stands out not only because of her peripheral differences but the adversity that came with it as she became who she was meant to be. Khan had to find a balance between acknowledging her culture that looked down on the silliness of being a superhero, and following her true heart once she gained her powers.
She was the perfect person to inherit her powers because it never changed her. She stayed fully grounded in her community, family, and faith. For a time she had to hide her extracurricular activity from her family, but that was only because she was afraid of how they’d react. This fear comes from a great reverence for her parents. Yet, her father also emphasized standing up for what is right and being her true self.
Even with newfound power, Khan understood her limitations. She never saw herself as invincible and asked for help when needed. There are things she can do like seemingly walking on air. However, that took practice and the willingness to try it. When we grow in power (our power would be more like authority rather than superpowers) we believe that confidence is believing that we are no better than someone else. We are among inferiors. Funny enough, Khan can do amazing things. Things others can’t do, yet she never felt superior to anyone. Instead, she found it her duty to protect people who may not have the same power she does. This should be our definition of confidence.
Questions and Responses
How does failure affect self-confidence?
Failure can significantly undermine self-confidence, especially when we tie our sense of worth to external achievements. When life’s setbacks—such as career missteps—occur, it’s easy to question your abilities and feel like you’re inadequate. The key is to understand that failure is part of the process, and it can offer valuable lessons if approached with the right mindset.
What is the best way to rebuild confidence after losing it?
Rebuilding confidence involves taking an honest look at your failures and recognizing your limitations. By accepting that you cannot control everything and focusing on what you can do, you can start to build a more grounded and resilient confidence. Like the three little pigs, building your foundation with “bricks” of self-awareness, patience, and persistence is crucial to enduring life’s inevitable challenges.
Why is it important to embrace limitations when building confidence?
Acknowledging and embracing limitations helps prevent unrealistic expectations. When we accept that we cannot do everything or be perfect, it reduces the fear of failure. Confidence built on this understanding becomes more stable, as it’s based on reality rather than inflated self-perceptions or pride.
How does overconfidence differ from healthy confidence?
Overconfidence often comes from pride or an inflated sense of ability, where you believe you can do things beyond your actual capacity. Healthy confidence, on the other hand, stems from a balanced understanding of both strengths and weaknesses. It involves knowing what you’re capable of while respecting the skills of others and recognizing your limitations.
What role does resilience play in rebuilding confidence?
Resilience is key to rebuilding confidence because it allows you to recover from setbacks without being defined by them. Life’s difficulties are inevitable, but resilience helps you face challenges head-on, learn from them, and continue forward with your head held high, much like Ms. Marvel does in her journey.