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Avoidance Paradox: What You Avoid, Annoys
We all have heard the phrase, “What you resist, persists.” Here’s another phrase we can all memorize. “What you avoid, annoys.” Do you find Britney Spear’s Toxic annoying? (I actually like the song). Listen to the song. Now hum the song. Now try to forget it. You’re getting the point here. Our need to suppress something, anything, makes it louder. Therein lies the paradox.
So now we define the avoidance paradox. The avoidance paradox is when the more we try to avoid something, the more it takes up space in our minds. If a bully says you are meeting after school to fight, it doesn’t matter if you don’t see him for the rest of the day. The thought of getting beat up will stay there until you get beat up. If I told you to stop thinking about a monkey, you wouldn’t be able to do it. STOP IT! Our brain doesn’t allow us to stuff memories. They may fade, but they always find a way to rebound.
Some of our stress comes from trying to avoid our thoughts and feelings. Yet, the more we avoid, the stronger these thoughts and feelings become. This can turn into longer-term symptoms of anxiety as we are forever stuck in a loop of stress, avoiding, forgetting, and having it pop up yet again. When we do our work and focus on trying not to make a mistake, a mistake is inevitable. When put our focus on the things we want to avoid, we lose confidence in our competence in the task at hand. The fear of making a mistake tends to have us in a chokehold in which we’d rather do nothing than make a mistake.
The same thing can be said about relationships and our social interactions. A lot of us, including myself, have a hard time with dating because we are afraid of rejection. Yet again, if we focus on the rejection we are bound to be told no. Worse, we would never talk to the person we find attractive, or interesting. In all honesty, we tend to reject ourselves before someone does that to us. Some people talk, not because they have something to say, but to avoid silence. Thus when silence eventually comes, it is awkward. Suppressing ourselves when there is conflict is just as bad. Instead of having the much-needed conversation, we ruminate the issue in our heads, never finding a solution.
Avoidance is quite interesting when you think about it. When we avoid things we create bigger problems than we think there are. For instance, if there is a conflict we avoid speaking because we think it’s going to go a certain way. How many times have we finally done what we needed to do only to say, “Oh, that wasn’t so bad?” Avoidance creates negative reinforcement. The more we avoid, the bigger the problem gets. Even if we feel a momentary release when our mind temporarily forgets about it.
The same thing happens when it comes to emotions. Anger is a big one with me. I don’t think I show too much emotion, but there could be times when a situation makes me angry and I just let simmer. Each trigger just adds to the anger that’s within. It’s like pouring a cup of water into a pot that’s boiling. Eventually, the water is going to get too hot and the water is going to overflow. This is what happens when we avoid emotions. It just gets worse with each moment.
The solution is quite simple. What’s the opposite of avoidance? You guessed it. Acceptance. So that events don’t become a chain to our psyche it’s best that we accept our situation, thoughts, and feelings. We can acknowledge that these things are our reality without attachment. It has nothing to do with giving up, but trying to understand our reality and moving in a way that best benefits us. The paradox is this, the more we avoid something the more it has power over us, but as soon as we face what we avoid, the power is gone.
Questions and Responses
What exactly is the avoidance paradox?
The avoidance paradox is the idea that the more we try to avoid or suppress something—whether a thought, feeling, or situation—the more space it takes up in our minds. Avoidance doesn’t make the problem disappear; it amplifies it. Think of trying not to hum Britney Spears’ Toxic. The harder you try to stop, the more persistent it becomes.
Why do we avoid things in the first place?
Avoidance is a natural response to discomfort. We avoid things because we think it will protect us from pain, anxiety, or failure. Whether it’s the fear of making a mistake or the awkwardness of silence, avoidance feels like the easy way out. Unfortunately, this only creates a cycle where the thing we’re avoiding grows stronger in the background.
How does avoidance affect mental health?
Avoiding thoughts and emotions can lead to chronic stress and anxiety. For example, if you’re scared of conflict and avoid conversations that need to happen, the unresolved issue will keep replaying in your mind. Over time, this creates a loop of stress where the thing we’re avoiding comes back more frequently, leaving us overwhelmed.
Can avoidance make emotions worse?
Yes, absolutely. Think of anger—if you avoid expressing or processing it, small annoyances build up until you eventually explode. It’s like boiling water in a pot: each ignored emotion is like adding more water. At some point, it overflows, and that’s when things get out of control.
How does avoidance impact relationships?
Avoidance can damage relationships by preventing genuine communication. For example, if you avoid expressing your feelings to avoid conflict, you’ll likely ruminate on the issue without resolving it. In dating, fear of rejection can stop you from even starting a conversation with someone you like, leaving you stuck in self-doubt.
Does avoidance impact performance in tasks?
Yes. When we focus on not making a mistake, we become more likely to mess up. The fear of failure can paralyze us, making us hesitant to act at all. By obsessing over what we don’t want to happen, we undermine our confidence and competence, making mistakes almost inevitable.
What’s the opposite of avoidance?
The opposite of avoidance is acceptance. This means acknowledging our thoughts, feelings, and circumstances without judgment or resistance. Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up—it means seeing things as they are and deciding how to move forward from there.
Why does acceptance work better than avoidance?
When we accept what we’re facing, the problem loses its grip on us. The power of avoidance lies in our fear and resistance. As soon as we acknowledge our thoughts or emotions, they stop haunting us. It’s like having a tough conversation you’ve been dreading—it’s often not as bad as you imagined, and afterward, you feel relieved.
What happens if we stop avoiding and start accepting?
By facing our thoughts, emotions, and challenges head-on, we gain clarity and control over them. Acceptance allows us to make thoughtful choices instead of reacting impulsively out of fear. It also helps prevent issues from snowballing into bigger problems over time.
How can I practice acceptance in daily life?
Start small. When uncomfortable thoughts or emotions arise, take a deep breath and acknowledge them without judgment. If you feel anxious about making a mistake, remind yourself that mistakes are part of learning. In conversations, try being honest about your feelings instead of avoiding tough topics. Over time, practicing acceptance will help you feel more at peace.
Isn’t avoiding things sometimes necessary?
There are moments when avoidance can serve as a temporary coping strategy—for example, stepping away from a heated argument to cool down. However, if avoidance becomes a long-term habit, it can lead to unresolved issues and heightened anxiety. The key is to strike a balance: sometimes it’s okay to take a break, but make sure you come back and address the situation.
Can avoiding small things really lead to bigger problems?
Yes, even small avoidances can accumulate over time. If you avoid small tasks, like sending an email or having a quick conversation, the stress from procrastination can grow. Eventually, these small delays can lead to larger consequences, creating unnecessary problems that could have been avoided.
How does avoiding rejection reinforce fear?
When we avoid situations where rejection is possible—like asking someone out—we miss the chance to build resilience. Avoiding rejection reinforces the belief that rejection is unbearable, which makes the fear stronger. Ironically, by not trying, we often reject ourselves before anyone else can.
How can I become more comfortable with uncertainty and silence?
The first step is to stop labeling silence and uncertainty as “bad.” If you find silence awkward, try sitting with it and noticing how it feels instead of rushing to fill the space. The same goes for uncertainty—acknowledge it without judgment. Over time, these moments will feel less uncomfortable, and you’ll build tolerance for them.