My thoughts fuel my perception and give meaning to just about anything. I could be in a restaurant and walk by a nice couple and their baby. While my eyes register the baby, my brain thinks, “What a little cutie.” Minutes later, that same baby can have a temper tantrum, and the only thing racing through my mind is finding different ways to shut it up.

The worst part about my mind is that it ruminates on negative thoughts much easier than on positive ones. I can’t focus on the reason, but I tend to notice all the perceived bad things that happen to me rather than the good. A lot of my mental health issues stem from things like anxiety and depression. I’ll define anxiety as worry about the future and depression and sadness about the past. I have never heard of a mental diagnosis where people were overtly happy about the past or the present. I’m trying to get that type of disorder.

Witnessing My Thoughts

The best way to avoid identifying with my thoughts is to be a witness to them. Think of my thoughts as if they were music being played. I hear the lyrics to one instance of thought, and then another song starts. Thoughts are faint because I don’t know they are there until I pay attention. The impermanence of thought is so fickle. They change so consistently, yet I attach my identity to what I think. When most of my thinking is what I perceive to be negative, suffering occurs.

The thing about thoughts is that I can’t stop them. It’s a radio station that plays the hits and misses every time I recognize what I am thinking. Nothing is ever a one-hit wonder, sadly. The trick is to have no identification with my thoughts, as if they didn’t matter because they don’t. The case could be made that the fewer thoughts I have, the more at peace I can be. This is why people engage in practices such as mediation. Once I start detaching my identity to my thoughts, peace can begin.

The only time a thought is meaningful is when I give it meaning. There are tons of thoughts that I pay no attention to. Thoughts don’t become an issue until I emphasize the thought. I know this will be a difficult task, but the goal when thinking about thoughts is to avoid negative inner dialogue with myself. Following the trail that leads me to my suffering means I believe in these thoughts. A silly mistake turns into, “Why did I do that?” That thought turns into, “Why am I so stupid?” I finally land on, “I’m an idiot.” An occurrence turns into identity. I am giving these negative thoughts meaning. They lose their power when I dismiss these thoughts like any other insignificant thought.

Thinking with a Negative Bias

The biggest reason why I find myself in anxious and depressive situations is that my mind typically defaults to negativity. The most used example of this in action is the person driving on the freeway. Another car comes and cuts that person off. The default emotion from what happened is anger. I pretty much assume that the person who cuts me off is a jerk, but unknowingly, the person could be driving their pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth.

The worst part is that this single incident can ruin one’s day. If this were to happen during a morning commute, the day at the office wouldn’t be such a good one. It’s almost as if I allow a singular emotion to simmer all day as if I am cooking something in a crock pot. Weirdly, my brain reacts strongly to perceived negative events rather than positive ones. The same effect doesn’t happen if someone lets me over on the freeway.

The Need to Survive

My negative bias can be attributed to my ancestors before me. In the age of the caveman, there were only two responses: reward and punishment. Many did what they could to indulge in the pleasures of life but equally did what they could to survive. For them to survive, they had to be very diligent to threats. That also means remembering potential danger so they don’t find themselves in the same predicament. In this way, the caveman has put more emphasis on staying out of trouble rather than pursuing the pleasures of life due to the risk of dying.

My evolution has not removed the negativity bias. I am still mostly in a survival mindset where negative events are much more powerful than the pleasures of life. A bad parent has much more of an impact on a child than a good one. Sometimes, a good parent can be overlooked or taken for granted. If I want to tell the truth, most good things are taken for granted. My society doesn’t help. My 24-hour news cycle covers more negative news than positive, by far. The negative news is way more attention-grabbing. It all has me living in fear. Instead of pursuing the love and happiness I deserve, I fear failure and stay with the status quo.

Selective Attention

My negative bias stems from my selective attention. It’s been scientifically shown that my perception and awareness are different. My eyes can often take in what’s happening, but my brain may not fully know what’s happening. Have I ever been so focused on a task that I can’t hear someone calling my name? Maybe I’m coming home, and I think about what happened to me earlier. I see my exit, but I miss it. Or how about singing my favorite song word for word but not realizing that someone’s sat next to me and has watched me jam out for a few minutes? Awareness of my surroundings is hard when my mind is intentionally on something else.

The same thing can be said for negative thoughts. If my minds are consumed with negative thoughts, it’s hard to think of anything else. That’s why it’s offensive to say something like, “Look on the bright side.” I don’t know if people realize how hard it is to look at a perceived negative situation positively. Any insistence is known as toxic positivity. When put in a negative situation, it’s much easier to keep consuming the negative information and forgo anything positive. I also say that these thoughts aren’t real because of subjectiveness in perception.

Thoughts are Subjective and Can Be Changed

Now that I know that my thoughts are subjective, meaning they are not all that meaningful, I can choose which thoughts I want to give meaning to. I talked extensively about how my brains default to negativity, but what would happen if I consciously decided to identify with my more loving thoughts? I’m reluctant to say positive thinking because this isn’t about optimism. It’s about seeing the situation as it is, feeling loved, and being loved anyway. When I have more loving thoughts, I can start to see the situation change without having to believe something good will happen. I accept what is and never let it change who I am.

When I have loving thoughts, I find the good within the bad. I see the trial as a learning opportunity rather than a situation meant to hurt me. When I’m no longer a victim, I no longer believe that the things I perceive as bad are here to hurt me. Nothing can hurt me. I take in and learn from the experience, forgive everyone involved, and continue to love. I can do this without the common advice of getting rid of self-talk.

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