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The Darkside of Compliments and Positive Feedback
Compliments are wonderful. It allows a person to show appreciation for another through words. We probably don’t compliment each other as much as we should. This only comes to be when the compliment is genuine and the nicety in speech doesn’t come with a hidden motive, especially when it comes to power dynamics.
When a parent, teacher, spouse, or manager provides positive feedback, it can typically come with the expectation to maintain the behavior that led to the compliment. It becomes the incentive to keep doing what you’re doing. If someone were to compliment you on your shoes, you now have the incentive to keep wearing those shoes. If someone likes your haircut, you know what you’ll be asking for when you go to the barber or salon again.
The same thing occurs if someone compliments how much of a team player you are. That compliment will eventually turn into the expectation that you step up for the team even if it causes you suffering. It becomes a bit of an everlasting lust for approval. We do the thing that gets us a compliment, so we focus on doing more of the thing, so we can garner more compliments. All of a sudden you find yourself at the office at odd hours, doing more work than your peers because everyone compliments you on how reliable you are.
Identifying with Compliments
The problem comes when we attach compliments to our identity. Think about when you were a toddler and the people around you were in awe of how cute you were. That sense of identity traveled its way up to your formidable teenage years when everyone in the class had a crush on you. Some people wanted to be you, others wanted to be with you. However, attractiveness does have an expiration date. What do you do when all your life you’ve known as an attractive person, but you start to lose what made you look good? You try to keep up the look by any means necessary. That involves grueling workouts, restricting diets, and maybe some botox to fix those wrinkles. It will eventually all end in grief because looks will fade, but you are nothing without your looks.
To avoid this pain, we must know who we are before someone can tell us who we are. The gesture of a compliment is a nice gesture, but nothing anyone can tell you can perfectly describe who you are. If anything a compliment provides a limitation. When someone compliments you as smart, they aren’t seeing the other aspects of your life. If you allow that to be an identity, you are limiting who you are to what you know. You are much more than your knowledge, your prestige, your money, or anything else we use to define who we are.
Feedback and Awareness
It would be good for us to be aware of how the feedback of others affects our behavior. Even though we don’t actively fish for compliments, we may be doing so indirectly with our intentions. We commit to work, not because we find it personally fulfilling, but because it will please another person. The reward for pleasing another person is praise and recognition. We are a social species and we care what other people think of us. This care can be manipulated in the form of making sure that what we do is seen from a positive perspective. By identifying with the approval of others, we start to mold ourselves in the image of other people, thus killing our authenticity. We should make sure that the feedback aligns with our values and that we see ourselves as people.
Questions and Responses
Why do compliments sometimes come with hidden expectations?
Compliments, especially from people in positions of authority like parents, teachers, or managers, can often carry an unspoken expectation to maintain the behavior that earned the praise. For example, if you’re complimented on being a great team player, it may create pressure to continue sacrificing for the team, even at the expense of your well-being. This can lead to a cycle where you constantly seek approval through your actions.
How can attaching compliments to our identity become harmful?
When we start identifying with compliments, like being praised for our intelligence or attractiveness, we may feel pressure to maintain that specific trait. This can limit our sense of self, making us dependent on external validation. For example, if you’ve always been complimented on your looks, the natural aging process might lead to grief if your self-worth is tied to your appearance. Identifying with compliments restricts us from seeing ourselves as multidimensional individuals.
How can compliments affect our behavior unconsciously?
Even if we’re not actively seeking compliments, they can shape our behavior in subtle ways. For instance, receiving praise for working hard might push us to take on more tasks or overcommit, hoping to receive more recognition. This constant pursuit of approval can shift our focus away from personal fulfillment and toward pleasing others, often leading to burnout or dissatisfaction.
Why is it important to maintain self-awareness when receiving compliments?
Self-awareness helps us avoid letting compliments dictate our actions or self-image. When we’re mindful of how feedback affects us, we can choose whether or not to internalize it. This awareness ensures that we align our actions with our true values rather than performing for the approval of others. Compliments can be appreciated without them becoming central to our identity.
How can we avoid molding ourselves to fit the expectations of others?
To avoid molding ourselves to fit others’ expectations, we need to have a strong sense of self and clear personal values. Rather than letting compliments or feedback define us, we should regularly check in with our own goals and desires. This allows us to stay authentic and ensures that our actions are driven by personal fulfillment rather than the pursuit of praise.
Can compliments be limiting?
Yes, compliments can be limiting when they create a narrow definition of who we are. For example, being complimented for being “smart” might make someone feel like they can’t show vulnerability or admit mistakes. While compliments are meant to be positive, they can unintentionally box us into a single aspect of ourselves, overshadowing our full complexity as individuals.