I’m sure you’re reading the comments about accepting all things, thinking to yourself that there’s no room to say no. It might be misconstrued that we must say yes to everything. I’m not saying that at all. We have to accept our yeses, but we also have to make sure we accept our noes as well. That means not feeling guilty when we do say no. We are made to believe that boundaries are in opposition to love, but just like all opposites, boundaries are an aspect of love that makes love complete. We often view love and boundaries as opposites, going to the extreme of accepting what we love to the point of losing ourselves and rejecting what we put a boundary against. This isn’t what’s being said in these writings.

Love without Abandonment

Love gives us the license to share life with other people, but love without boundaries makes us forget where we end and the other person begins. As a result, we confuse pleasing with perfection. We have to give more of ourselves to make the relationship work, which means we overextend. It results in a form of betrayal of oneself as a way to avoid tension. This isn’t love, this is fear. If our actions don’t energize us, we have to conclude that we are doing something incorrectly. True love also has to include you. We want to love our people and our situations, but can’t do so while simultaneously abandoning ourselves.

We are working towards the acceptance of all things, and boundaries allow us to love ourselves and others. Instead, we believe that boundaries are a form of punishment, and we may use them as such. The typical use of a boundary is to say that a person hasn’t changed in the way we want them to, and as a result, we don’t want to see them anymore. This isn’t a boundary, but another condition. It’s important to establish the difference. A condition arises from the intention to control the person. Because this person hasn’t changed, we punish them by cutting ties. A boundary allows autonomy for the other person, but gives you the choice to leave if the situation isn’t for you. There’s no ultimatum. In the present moment, we decide if this is the right connection for us. If not, we politely say no and honor that no.

Open Door Policy

Instead of portraying boundaries as walls, they should be more like doors. It says that we are both welcomed here if I feel safe and free, but if this connection doesn’t satisfy my values for a real connection, I have the freedom to open the door and leave. We build up walls because we believe they will help shield us from pain, but they also become a barrier to true connection. There’s a lot of talk in relationships and collectivism as a whole that the individual needs to become the collective. I don’t believe this at all. It’s important to be collaborative in groups and all relationships because we are social creatures, but I don’t believe in fusion. There’s no individual freedom in fusion. Creating boundaries and expressing those boundaries allows us to relate to each other without the need for unspoken tension, silent resentment, and forced closeness.

We believe that love without boundaries is intimacy, but this intimacy has a side effect: we come to believe that we are responsible for each other’s emotions. As a result, we mistake self-sacrifice for virtue, and we lose touch with our own needs. We need to be as one when all this does is force sameness. There is no intimacy without diversity. True love says, “I see you as you and you see me as me. I don’t need to become you to be loved, and you don’t need to become me.” Love isn’t when you meet your other half. Strategies are needed to ensure a fit. Love is being whole while meeting another whole person.

Was it Even Love, Bro?

We are often led to believe that setting boundaries means we don’t love the other person. If I set a boundary, it means I don’t care about the other person. Love doesn’t say yes to everything. Love says yes to truth, and the truth is I am not you. I don’t think as you do, and I don’t act in the same way either. Sometimes the greatest act of love is letting someone go if that speaks to the truth of the situation. We must stop believing that love is exemplified by self-abandonment.

Boundaries make things clearer. The street has boundaries so that cars can stay in lanes; the sidewalk serves as a boundary to the street, allowing people to walk without having to share the same space as cars. When boundaries are handed to us, we think they are limiting, but they simultaneously provide clarity through definition. If I’m in digital marketing, having someone else in the same field creates chaos because it’s unclear who’s responsible for mistakes or questions. If two people are the same leader in the same capacity, but have different ideas, which person does one follow? Creating boundaries doesn’t create limitations; it creates a container in which love can safely live. Without boundaries, anyone can do anything, and we keep the peace by avoiding the truth.

The best part of boundaries is that if you believe that creating one will end a relationship or end love, then it wasn’t love to begin with. If someone only loves you when you say yes, they don’t truly love you. You are being used. If you avoid saying no to please this person, you may not be in a loving relationship. This is called codependency. If your relationship requires a yes, it’s conditional, and any no will break the relationship. It’s a relationship I’d rather not want to be in. A boundary doesn’t end love because true love wants to know all of us. Even the parts that say no.

Questions and Responses