One of the skills that I think every human being should have is how to love. Oddly enough, that’s not a skill that gets taught in my culture. If it is, then it’s taught in an incorrect way that only brings toxicity to my life and others. In a society built on capitalism, the notion is that if I want to learn to love, I’m going to need to gain something. More, more, more. It could be material things like a desirable income, or it can be something intangible like status. Can I name all the books out there that show me how to gain confidence?

I’d like to take a different approach to love. I have said this before: knowledge is the increase of something. Wisdom is when I take things away. For me to be better at loving, I must remove the barriers that take me away from love. The Sufi poet Rumi said it best, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that I have built against it.” It’s something I subscribe to 100%. After years of my twenties trying to be someone for somebody, it’s time for me to peel back some layers.

Earlier in life, I would be paralyzed by love because fear would overtake it. Most of it was due to just overthinking. When it comes to romantic relationships, I think I get caught up in what I want. What I truly mean is that I create a checklist of what I want in a potential partner. If they don’t measure up to this criteria, then it’s going to be a no for me, dawg. In certain jobs that I’ve had, I was unable to create a relationship with others because they had certain expectations of me. Expectations are typical in the workplace, but it’s incompatible with love.

Keep My Heart Open

Love comes from within. It’s hard to love when traumas of the past build a wall. I fear love because I am afraid to get hurt again. I give all I can to a certain someone or situation to get nothing but pain in return. They say that love is a battlefield. Sometimes, I have to fight for the love that I want. That means through the battle, I will get hurt. Yet, I still fight for love. The wounds become my battle stories.

The common phrase I hear about my heart is to guard it. That easily becomes a barrier. Sometimes, I don’t go after what I love because I am afraid of the outcome. I don’t open up that business because working 9-5 is more stable, even if I have no passion for it. Settling in this way diminishes the fire of my heart. It dwindles my passion for the things I want in life. I think it’ll keep me safe, but there’s no such thing. Everything I do is a risk. Why not commit to risks that my heart yearns for?

No Expectations

If I see love as a gift that should be given freely to those I love, I should remember to do it with no expectation of receiving anything back. Part of the reason why I was hurt in the past was because I expected another person. They didn’t live up to the ideas that I had of them in my head. It gets very difficult when I go deeper into parental issues.

I should expect a mother to be loving, compassionate, and caring, but not everyone shares the same experience. I should love people for their own sake. This is one of the biggest barriers that I have to be Love and loved. I’m getting hits of anxiety just writing this because I know I fell into the trap of expectations. Let’s treat love as a gift, and every day is Christmas.

Let Love Find I

When society talks to me about love, it teaches masculinity means to chase. If I’m talking about gender norms, women seem to do a better job of letting love come as they are taught that the man does the work to establish a relationship. Maybe the song’s issue isn’t that I’m looking for love in all the wrong places but that I am looking for love. I would rather have love flow to me. It takes much of the unnecessary pressure to find a mate.

I sense the desperation of someone on the prowl, and it’s never a good look. There are plenty of opportunities where I can rest with another person and let love happen. Let’s not worry about what society has to say, what my auntie has to say, or my biological clock, even if it is ticking. Better to find love with someone I know I’ll spend the majority of my life with rather than finding pregnancy out of desperation.

Small Acts of Kindness Builds Love

If I’m looking to find love, doing small things for people can certainly help. It could be something as simple as just flashing a smile. Love is an action. At the same time, love without action isn’t love at all. My friendly nature is a measure of love and should be shared with all. I don’t mean being nice. When I speak about compassion, I mean performing an action in which a person is in no position to pay it back. Love is a gift. People are only nice to those who can reciprocate, but love is not here. For instance, a person can take another person on a date. Pay for the date only to expect something in return. This is not love. This is a transaction.

If I could summarize this blog into a key takeaway, I can easily say that fear is by far the biggest barrier to love. In most cases, I have to go through fear to reach love. I stray away because I am afraid of uncertainty and don’t want my comfortable life to be uncomfortable. It’s baffling to believe that I want and even pray for that wife or entrepreneurial venture, but when the opportunity presents itself, I close up.

Today, I break that cycle. I wake up every day to be loved and show love to others. There’s nothing to expect in return. I don’t provide the receipts when I’ve been hurt. The only reason to love is for love’s sake. It’s a learning process. I have to unlearn what society’s given me and become the change that I want to see.

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