Trying to find the “one” might be an addiction that we’ve made acceptable. The search for a romantic, yet exclusive and everlasting partnership may not be as great a goal as we make it out to be. What if it’s just a desperate attempt to be complete by objectifying someone else as the other half? One can’t be whole without finding their “soul mate.” What if a search for love outside of us is merely a lack of self-love?

Our romantic relationships are far from perfect. The more consuming the relationship, the more we try to find the infinite in something that’s inherently finite. Our investment in these relationships tends to yield love, but also become a source of suffering in the forms of jealousy, possessiveness, and eventual heartbreak. All this comes from a mistaken belief that we need a separate other to be complete.

The Source of Love

Externalizing love becomes an issue because there’s a belief that love is a scarce and conditional resource. This false notion of love resides within another person and must be acquired, maintained, and defended to achieve personal wholeness. This tends to mean that the person looking for love is operating at a deficit. They believe that the love they deserve must come from somewhere else, forgetting that they are love. Instead of being the source of love, the romantic partner becomes the source of validation, security, and love.

Many relationships manifest as outward conflicts, with the core being a power dynamic created by the dependency on the romantic partner to be the source of love. This source of love is finite because the romantic partner can easily leave, change, or die. When a person is lost, love is lost, creating a hole that has always been there from the beginning. A lack that only each person can fill themselves once they realize that they are a source of infinite love.

If we continue to see the other person as a source of validation and love, we start becoming possessive with the intention of locking down the source. This often appears to be a manifestation of jealousy and insecurity. There’s a fear that our supply of love will go elsewhere, leaving us vulnerable. Even though we’d like to believe our soulmates will be with us forever, all relationships are finite. The realization of this tends to cause heartbreak as we are surprised by an inevitable end. No one externally can fill an internal void, but we go from person to person trying to find the one who can. We have the mistaken perception that love is an inherent essence of who we are. With the help of media and public opinion, we’ve defined love as a transaction that requires someone or something else.

Reclaiming Love

In reality, there’s no separation between you and your romantic partner. To experience true unconditional love means to witness and experience the same love expressed in the form of another person. True love is the recognition of yourself within the other person. But before doing this, you must first recognize the love within yourself.

The golden rule only works if you first love yourself. It would be more accurate to say that you must realize that Love is what you fundamentally are. You don’t need love from someone else. Loving someone else simply gives you a mirror to remind yourself of your own unchanging essence. The change in perspective is not seeing two people as one, but the realization that love is the one substance that appears as two people. Any attempts to possess the other are a negation of this unity.

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