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I’m Pretty Good at Writing About Pride
What is true humility? C.S. Lewis probably said it best when he said that true humility is not thinking less of oneself, but thinking about ourselves less. If we are thinking about opposites, my definition of true humility is the ability to take on the mind of the collective while being an individual. It’s to be an individual with the empathy of those who are not me. When we constantly think about ourselves, we fall into this trap called pride. We don’t believe pride is detrimental to our well-being. We should be prideful of our careers, families, and possessions. Our celebrations have months dedicated to it. Why care for something that can easily be the gateway drug to narcissism?
Pride typically gets the best of us in both positive and negative situations. I still have instances where I find myself praising myself for the good things I’ve done. I also feel guilty to myself when I make a mistake. Neither one of these reactions is healthy. Even when I think of other people it comes in the form of how they benefited me. It’s worse when the scenario is seemingly negative as I constantly ruminate over how someone has harmed me. What is the opposite? The opposite is showing gratitude toward someone who’s helped me and compassion towards the person who has hurt me. Neither scenarios have anything to do with me.
It’s very difficult to think about others because we think about ourselves all the time. Thinking about ourselves is a form of survival. We are said to lose control when every thought isn’t focused on ourselves. This idea gets us into trouble because it gives us the belief that we are the most important and our first priority. I believe this is where the notion of self-love comes from. There’s nothing wrong with loving ourselves, but it becomes a problem when we think that we are the only center of our universe.
Unaware of Pride
Pride is such a sneaky vice. It’s very hard to be aware if we are thinking too much of ourselves. A good barometer is if we say the pronouns “I” and “me” way too often. Are we aware that calling ourselves a self-made success is the quintessential notion of pride? We do nothing alone. Yet, I find myself in projects praising myself because of how something wouldn’t have happened unless I did it. How I should be doing something over someone else because I’m “better” at it. I used to think entire businesses wouldn’t be successful without me. If that’s not pride, I don’t know what is. I really want to get to the point where saying I wrote this is problematic. I’ve already used “I” way too often in this paragraph.
If pride is the preoccupation with ourselves, shaming ourselves about being prideful is not going to be the antidote. If anything shame and guilt come from the intention of pride because, again, we are only thinking of ourselves. The more we attribute negativity towards ourselves, the more we spiral into the states of depression we seek to remove ourselves from, ironically with more pride. The pride that gives us a sense of self-worth is no different than the pride that degrades us. Obsession with our successes is no different than obsession with our failures. It seems like the only real solution to pride is humility in which we forget ourselves. A humility that doesn’t take credit for success while also not taking accountability for failures. That’s a radical notion. I know you’re squirming while reading this.
A History of Pride
But how does one essentially forget ourselves when we live in a society that is predicated on us thinking about ourselves from the beginning of life? We go to school where we take pride in our grades. We compare ourselves to other people while our parents compare us to their friend’s children. When we accomplish a good grade on a project or on a test, we only attribute it to how well we studied. It’s our accomplishment alone. At the same time, when we fail at something, the failure is our own. Yes, we work on group projects, but we remain fixated on how another person affects our grade. If we are high achievers we will easily concede to do all of the work if that means that we have the best possible grade. No one is to blame for our struggles in school but us.
If we want to go to college, we must document our achievements and our achievements alone. We talk about the sports we’ve played, the extracurricular activities we’ve joined, and all of our academic achievements, but are never asked how our actions have affected others. The same thing happens when we go off to our careers. We don’t receive jobs, we earn them. Our resumes tend to be one or two pages of our personal achievements. If our achievements aren’t good enough, we risk poverty. We have to think about ourselves to survive.
Excessive pride is an exaggerated appreciation of oneself by devaluating others — we turn other people into our competitors. – Gustavo Razzetti
Ironically, some of us are placed into careers where being a part of a team is paramount. How when we still have performance reviews? How when the basis of a promotion is my personal achievements compared to others? Is it possible to think collectively when the whole nature of success is that only a few make it? If I want to be successful, I must then compete with you because there’s only one spot. The classifications that make one “better” than another are arbitrary at best. How are we to be a part of a team when we never learned how to be?
A Big Bang Theory
If you are a fan of the Big Bang Theory and Young Sheldon, you know a bit about its main character, Sheldon Cooper. From the beginning of the series, we see Sheldon as a very prideful person, putting all of his self-worth into his intelligence. As a child, he was recognized as a genius by his parents, school, and others around him. His mother, in particular, constantly praised his intellect, only forging a strong sense of self-worth for young Sheldon.
Throughout his life, Sheldon was told that he was special due to his high IQ and his scientific talent. This specialness only became a strong aspect of his identity. This pride in his intelligence leaves Sheldon incomplete, struggling in other aspects of his life, namely the social aspects. His superiority in his intelligence blinds him from seeing how it negatively affects the people around him.
Character Flaws
Throughout the series, we can see Sheldon’s strong characteristics in social predicaments. His superiority in thinking often makes way to dismiss the opinions of others coming to the conclusion that there is only one way to do things… his way. He often corrects people while being oblivious to how his behavior comes off as condescending. It’s almost like he’s blind to the emotional needs of the people around him. He struggles with understanding why his words can hurt people because he’s more focused on being correct logically. We, as the audience, can tell that Sheldon genuinely cares for his roommates, but he still fails to see how his pride can often strain relationships. I can definitely relate.
The ironic contradiction about Sheldon is that he constantly needs validation for we know is his strength. The thing that brings him pride is also the thing that brings him insecurity. This is why understanding opposites and realizing they are the same thing is highly important. He knows that he’s smart, but needs the validation from his mother and others to reaffirm that he’s the “best.” When he believes that his intellect isn’t being properly recognized, he becomes agitated and frustrated. Again, something I can relate to.
A Little Closer to Humility
We all love a good show with character development and we get that with The Big Bang Theory. As the series progresses, Sheldon starts to see how his pride affects the relationships he has with his friends and his girlfriend, Amy. Although he never really leaves the pride of his intellect, he starts to see how his actions emotionally affect others and the importance of considering the feelings of others. Most of all, he realizes that the skill that brought him to this point in his life does not completely define him. The same can be said about us and our stories.
Collective Pride
Those who have a collective mindset aren’t off the hook by the way. We must always look at the intention of why we act. Our actions come because we love our fellow person, but in more collective cultures, it’s more accurate that we give to our community because we are afraid of the shame that would occur if we did not. We are still thinking about ourselves.
It’s so bad that we feel obligated to do nice things like give gifts. Families hand out loads of money just because they are afraid of the shame from the recipient if no gift is given. Auntie is so cheap, she didn’t even buy me a gift. She doesn’t love me. WILD! We didn’t adopt seat belts until there was a law obligating it. I think that’s crazy. We shouldn’t conform due to loss of standing within the community, but because we have the opportunity to uplift it.
A Girl Worth Fighting For
I’m sorry to mess with people’s childhoods, but Mulan might be a great example of collective pride. Mulan starts off with our main character feeling deep disappointment that she doesn’t conform to the standards of her community. With rigid gender roles and the importance of family honor, she’s not able to be a suitable wife for another male as it is not part of her true nature. Every woman around her seems to effortlessly fit into the role while Mulan is having trouble. Even though Mulan wants to be her truest self, she has a conflict with the obligation of honoring her father with the customs of her people.
Instead, Mulan makes the decision to dress as a man and take her father’s place in a war. Through her bravery, she saves China and earns the respect of her fellow soldiers, thus redefining what it means for her to be successful. She receives the respect of the Emperor and later her community, all through unconventional means. All this sounds great on the surface, but we really have to look at her intention. Why did she do these things?
She did it for herself in hopes that she could be accepted within her community. Even though she did great things to help an entire country, she did not join the army to help her country. She did not join the army to help her community. I’m sorry to say she did it with selfish intent. This is not to badmouth Mulan. What she does in her story is remarkable. It’s just kind of sad that she has to do it. She lives in a society that prioritizes pride. This movie is then distributed into a society that prioritizes pride.
Where Did She Go Wrong?
The alternative for her could be to accept that she’s not like the others yet help her community in any way possible. She didn’t have to go to war at all. Will this bring her shame? Most likely. So in that case it makes sense for her to find another way to gain honor. This shame is the reason why we take action. This is what we are taught as children. Our actions and our achievements only come as a defense of shame from the collective. It’s the same guilt we feel when we make a mistake.
Again, we are unaware of this, but guilt isn’t the negative feeling of doing something wrong. Guilt is the fear of being punished for doing something wrong. Pride defends us from this guilt. It’s what springs us to find redemption much like what Mulan did. Yes, the outcomes were positive, but did Mulan really learn anything from her experience other than success looks like exceeding the expectations of her community so that she doesn’t get hurt? The pride is very strong in this young lady. Even as she believes she’s taking the place of her father to help her father, she’s really doing it prove her honor.
Conclusion
The solution to pride is humility, but it’s a type of humility that’s never been taught to us. It’s a forgetting of oneself in service of those around us. This is the road I’m walking down. I have to tell you, it’s difficult. It’s difficult to not take credit for the good things in my life. It is also difficult to take on the guilt of bad things. My only objective is to be aware of when these things happen so that I can change my perspective outward. I need to do a better job of praising other people while deflecting praise from myself. I need to allow others to be promoted and acknowledged ahead of me. After years of only caring about myself, it’s time I start recognizing others. These are my gifts. I guess that’s what it is meant by it’s better to give than to receive.
Questions and Answers
What is true humility, and how is it different from self-deprecation?
True humility is not about thinking less of oneself but thinking of oneself less. It’s the ability to focus on others and adopt a collective mindset while still retaining individuality. Humility is about empathy and serving others without seeking recognition. In contrast, self-deprecation involves diminishing one’s own worth, often leading to feelings of inadequacy. Humility is rooted in self-awareness and compassion, not in lowering oneself.
Why is pride considered a “sneaky vice”?
Pride is sneaky because it often disguises itself as self-worth, confidence, or success. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking too highly of ourselves when we achieve something or, conversely, shaming ourselves for failures. Pride tends to be self-centered, focusing on “I” and “me,” making it hard to recognize. It influences how we perceive both our accomplishments and our mistakes, creating an endless loop of self-preoccupation.
How can pride negatively affect our relationships?
Pride can create barriers in relationships by making us more self-focused and less empathetic. When we are overly prideful, we might dismiss others’ opinions, crave validation, and become blind to how our actions impact those around us. It can lead to conflicts, as we may struggle to accept criticism or feedback, and may also push us to act superior. To foster healthy relationships, shifting the focus from “me” to “we” is crucial.
How can focusing on collective achievements help counteract pride?
Focusing on collective achievements shifts the spotlight from individual success to group efforts. It reminds us that accomplishments often involve the support, cooperation, and contributions of others. By celebrating team success and acknowledging the role of others, we cultivate a sense of humility and gratitude. This collective mindset fosters collaboration and reduces the desire to seek validation for personal accomplishments.
Why does pride often lead to feelings of shame and guilt?
Pride leads to shame and guilt because it’s centered on our perception of success and failure. When we take full credit for achievements, we also internalize blame for failures. Guilt arises from the fear of punishment or judgment, while shame stems from the belief that we are inherently flawed. This cycle of pride, guilt, and shame keeps us trapped in self-focus, reinforcing the need for external validation.
Can humility be practiced without losing self-worth?
Yes, humility can be practiced without sacrificing self-worth. True humility involves recognizing your value while also acknowledging the worth of others. It’s about being self-aware, understanding your strengths and weaknesses, and focusing on the needs of others. Humility allows you to appreciate your contributions without needing to be in the spotlight, fostering a balanced sense of self that is both confident and compassionate.
How do societal norms promote pride from an early age?
Societal norms often emphasize individual achievement and competition from an early age. Children are taught to take pride in their grades, extracurricular activities, and personal accomplishments. This focus on personal success continues into adulthood, with job performance, promotions, and material wealth seen as indicators of worth. While these achievements can provide motivation, they can also foster a mindset of self-centeredness and comparison, leading to pride.
What is the “collective pride”, and why can it be problematic?
Collective pride refers to the emphasis on community achievements and social standing. While it promotes group cohesion, it can also be rooted in the fear of shame. People may conform to societal expectations not out of genuine care but to avoid criticism or ostracism. This dynamic creates a sense of obligation rather than genuine empathy or love. Even when actions benefit the community, they can be driven by self-interest, making collective pride another form of self-centeredness.
Why is it difficult to “forget ourselves” and embrace humility?
Forgetting ourselves is challenging because we are conditioned to think about our needs, achievements, and survival. Society teaches us to prioritize self-love, personal success, and competition. Additionally, pride gives us a sense of control and importance. Embracing humility requires unlearning these habits, shifting our focus outward, and letting go of the need for constant validation. It’s a continuous practice of empathy, self-awareness, and genuine concern for others.
How can we start practicing humility in our daily lives?
Practicing humility starts with small, conscious actions, such as:
– Listening more: Pay attention to others without interrupting or immediately thinking of how it relates to you.
– Praising others: Acknowledge the contributions and successes of others rather than seeking recognition for yourself.
– Deflecting praise: When complimented, share the credit with those who helped you.
– Offering help: Support others without expecting anything in return.
– Reflecting on intentions: Before acting, ask if your actions are motivated by love for others or by seeking personal validation.
How does the concept of humility relate to the idea of “giving versus receiving”?
Humility aligns with the notion that “it’s better to give than to receive.” When we give—whether it’s praise, support, or help—without expecting anything in return, we practice humility. We shift our focus from self-gain to the well-being of others. This giving mindset fosters a sense of community, empathy, and selflessness, enriching our relationships and helping us to detach from pride.
Why is acknowledging others’ contributions important for practicing humility?
Acknowledging others’ contributions reminds us that success is often a collective effort. It diminishes the “self-made” mentality and helps us see the value in collaboration and support. By expressing gratitude for others’ roles in our achievements, we foster a more inclusive and humble mindset that recognizes the interconnectedness of our lives. This practice counters the isolation that pride creates, building stronger relationships rooted in mutual respect.