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Being More Aware of Our Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a hard shell to crack. We typically get defensive when we perceive an attack and take it personally. We become defense attorneys for the most trivial opinions. The crazy thing about being defensive is that it is our default nature. If we believe we are being attacked, the first thing we will do is build a wall. Even if we try to discuss a conflict with a loved one, our mind automatically goes toward the negative. We can be hurt by what another person has said or done to us.
The problem with taking something personally and building up a defense is not only does it block unwanted feelings, but it also blocks the opportunity for a deeper connection with the other person. Someone could be vulnerable in expressing some distressing emotion, and our inability to acknowledge one’s emotion to deflect our own creates even more conflict.
The funny part of being defensive is our lack of awareness that we are defensive. We can argue unconsciously. The argument is probably the most acceptable interaction when it comes to perceived hurt. If someone hurts our ego, the only thing we know to do is prove them wrong. In doing so, we kind of take pride in being defensive because we treat it as a form of self-love. We believe that we’ve accurately depicted ourselves in the face of lies. We are the only ones who can represent ourselves accurately. It’s an act of protecting our honor. The underlying issue is that this belief in self-love comes from a place of self-doubt and wanting to prove to ourselves that we aren’t the perception of the other person. Having an unconscious readiness to defend ourselves probably means that we are also defending ourselves constantly in our heads.
Transcending Defensiveness
Our defensiveness gets to the point where criticism isn’t explicitly expressed but implied. A person can make a simple observation and it’s our duty for us to prove how untrue it is. These can’t be the patterns of true self-esteem. True esteem wouldn’t care what people would have to say of us. However, we can’t get to this point of realization until we deal with our inner critic and the defensiveness we offer there. Charity always starts at home. Our inner critic is what controls our narrative and makes us accountable for all the things that happen in our lives. I recently wrote an article about not believing in accountability that I think would be a good read. This inner critic prevents us from being our authentic selves. A self that doesn’t care what we think of ourselves. A wild concept, right?
With this new perspective, we can take in criticism and critical feedback as a way to learn. We don’t have to automatically accept it just as we don’t have to automatically deny it. We can listen consciously to what is being said. If the words match up with our values, we can learn. If they don’t, we can simply dismiss them. We don’t have to prove to the other person who we are. If someone says something outlandish, we can take it for the joke that it is. It’s much better to take a negative reaction as positively as you can. Practice with yourself. The next time your inner critic has something nasty to say about you, laugh it off. It’s the best medicine.
Questions and Responses
What is defensiveness and why do we get defensive?
Defensiveness is our natural response to perceived threats, particularly when we feel criticized or attacked. It’s an emotional reaction where we instinctively put up barriers to protect ourselves. Even in minor disagreements, we may act like defense attorneys, fiercely defending our opinions or actions, often because we take things personally. This instinct to defend ourselves is deeply rooted in our nature, especially when we feel our ego or self-image is under attack.
How does defensiveness impact our relationships?
Defensiveness can create emotional distance and hinder deeper connections. When we’re defensive, we block not only negative feelings but also the opportunity to understand and empathize with the other person. If someone expresses vulnerability or pain, our defensive response may prevent us from truly acknowledging their emotions, which can lead to further conflict. Instead of fostering understanding, defensiveness builds walls between people.
Why are we often unaware of our defensiveness?
Defensiveness can be an unconscious reaction. We may not even realize we’re being defensive in the heat of the moment. Arguments become our automatic response to perceived threats, and we often defend ourselves out of habit. It can even feel like an act of self-love—protecting our honor or integrity—when in reality, it may stem from underlying self-doubt or insecurity. Without self-awareness, we can easily slip into defensive patterns without recognizing it.
Is defensiveness a form of self-love?
While defensiveness may seem like a way to protect our self-image or honor, it often comes from a place of self-doubt rather than true self-love. Defending ourselves can feel empowering, but it’s often a reaction to our own insecurities and fears. True self-love doesn’t need to defend itself. It allows us to be open to feedback without feeling the need to prove ourselves right or protect our ego.
What’s the difference between defensiveness and true self-esteem?
True self-esteem doesn’t depend on external validation or the need to defend against criticism. When we have genuine self-confidence, we’re less likely to react defensively because we’re secure in who we are. Defensiveness, on the other hand, often arises from insecurity or fear of judgment. True self-esteem enables us to take criticism or feedback without feeling threatened, allowing us to either learn from it or dismiss it without internalizing it.
How can we stop being defensive?
Overcoming defensiveness begins with self-awareness. Recognize when you’re feeling attacked and take a moment to pause before reacting. Listen to what’s being said without immediately assuming it’s an attack. Ask yourself if the feedback is valid or if it challenges your values. If it’s helpful, use it to grow. If it’s not, simply let it go. Remember, you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Start practicing this with your inner critic by consciously laughing off negative thoughts instead of engaging with them.
Why is it important to deal with our inner critic?
The inner critic is the voice inside our heads that constantly judges and criticizes us, shaping our perception of ourselves. If we don’t address this inner voice, it fuels our defensiveness and makes us overly sensitive to external feedback. By confronting and softening our inner critic, we become less defensive and more accepting of ourselves, allowing us to handle criticism with grace rather than reacting out of fear or insecurity.
How can we take criticism without getting defensive?
To handle criticism without becoming defensive, practice conscious listening. When someone offers feedback, take it in with an open mind. You don’t have to accept or reject it immediately. If the criticism aligns with your values and can help you grow, embrace it. If it doesn’t resonate, you can simply let it go without feeling the need to defend yourself. The key is learning to detach your self-worth from what others say about you.
What does it mean to transcend defensiveness?
Transcending defensiveness means reaching a place where we no longer feel the need to react to criticism or negative comments with immediate defense. Instead, we can evaluate feedback rationally, decide whether it serves us, and move on without taking it personally. It’s about shifting from a reactive mindset to a reflective one, where we prioritize learning and self-awareness over ego protection.
How can we use humor to combat defensiveness?
Humor is a powerful tool for diffusing defensiveness. When our inner critic or external feedback stings, we can choose to laugh it off instead of letting it take hold of us. By taking ourselves less seriously, we reduce the power that criticism or negative thoughts have over us. Laughing at the absurdity of our inner critic’s harshness can lighten the mood and remind us that we don’t have to accept every negative thought or comment as truth.
Can defensiveness ever be a good thing?
Defensiveness can serve a purpose when we genuinely need to protect ourselves from harmful situations or unjust criticism. However, in most everyday interactions, defensiveness blocks growth and understanding. It’s important to recognize when our defensive reactions are necessary and when they are simply protecting our ego. Learning to differentiate between the two is key to personal development and healthy relationships.
How can we create healthier responses to criticism?
Creating healthier responses involves practicing mindfulness and self-compassion. When faced with criticism, take a deep breath and resist the urge to react immediately. Give yourself the space to process what’s being said without judgment. Remind yourself that criticism is not a reflection of your worth, and approach it with curiosity rather than defensiveness. The goal is to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
Why do we feel the need to prove ourselves to others?
The need to prove ourselves often stems from a deep-seated insecurity or desire for validation. When we feel uncertain about our own worth, we seek external approval to affirm our value. This can lead to defensive behavior when others challenge us. By cultivating inner confidence and self-acceptance, we can free ourselves from the need to prove anything to others and focus on being true to ourselves.
What role does vulnerability play in overcoming defensiveness?
Vulnerability is key to breaking down defensiveness. It allows us to be open, honest, and willing to accept both our strengths and weaknesses. When we embrace vulnerability, we stop seeing criticism as a threat and start seeing it as an opportunity for growth. Vulnerability fosters deeper connections with others because it encourages trust and understanding, which defensiveness typically shuts down.
How can we cultivate true self-esteem to replace defensiveness?
Cultivating true self-esteem starts with self-compassion and accepting ourselves as we are, flaws and all. It involves silencing the inner critic, embracing vulnerability, and recognizing that our worth is not determined by external opinions. As we build self-esteem from within, we become less reactive to criticism and more open to feedback, knowing that it doesn’t define us. This inner confidence helps us approach life with a sense of calm and resilience, free from the need to defend ourselves constantly.