In my research, I was happy to stumble upon the concept of I and thou from the German theologian Martin Buber and his book Ich und Du, which is translated as I and You. The book’s idea initially comes from an idea of how to communicate. With this idea, Buber believes that we shouldn’t base our communication on the individual, but on the relationship between two people or between a person and an object.
There are two ways people can relate to each other. Buber describes them as I-Thou and I-It. In an I-Thou relationship, all parties are aware of their interconnectedness.
It’s the same type of relationship we look to create in the pages of this book. In contrast, the I-It relationship is more transactional, meaning we can’t relate if you don’t offer me any value. Something we’re much more used to.
The I-Thou relationship is grounded in the principle of acceptance. I relate to you for who you are, not for whom I expect you to be. There’s nothing that I want from you, and there’s nothing that you want for me. We only connect because it’s natural.
When two or more people gather authentically, true love can be found. It’s simply what we’re supposed to do. We show up for each other in a way that allows us to genuinely be interested in others’ experiences while being transparent about our own.
This makes for wonderful friendships, work relationships, and relationships with loved ones.
Buber believed that the I-Thou relationship is hugely important because it allows us to be fully human. I tend to agree.
The usage of the pronoun ” thou ” comes with prestige. It’s the same pronoun used for God in the Bible. It’s used in the fancy English that William Shakespeare used in his literature.
As I see myself in you, I hold you in high regard because I hold myself in high regard. Sure, we might have our own personalities and styles, but we know these things are meaningless compared to the inherent connection we share.
I-It
As you can imagine, I-It is much different. The “it ” in this relationship is treated as an object to be used.
I’d have to reluctantly say that this feels like my relationships in my work experience. It felt like I was only used for my output. I’ve had a manager emphasize the importance of “growing relationships” so I can use them to get what I need done. It felt like the relationships I built at a few of the companies I worked for were only a means to an end. The sad part is that a relationship like this in the corporate world is the norm.
When a company culture prioritizes performance, this is the type of relationship that you can expect. It’s efficient.
I start my communication with a greeting to show I’m friendly, then ask you to do something for me. Done and done. It’s the type of relationship that lacks vulnerability. Get ready for the I-It relationship in a culture where vulnerability is seen as a weakness.
Outside the office, the I-It relationship can be formed through the othering of another person or group. When you see someone as separate, you start to dehumanize a person, making it easy to berate.
It was easy to hate Trump supporters when Hilary Clinton called his supporters “deplorables” in 2016. That might have been the exact moment when support for President Donald Trump grew, as people took to that label with pride in an us-versus-them battle that is the nature of politics.
When we dehumanize people by objectifying them, we make it easier to marginalize them. We make it easier to destroy someone’s land in the name of an idea like Manifest Destiny. It makes it easier to buy and sell people, reducing them to property. It’s easier to treat an entire gender as objects of pleasure and baby-making.
Confirmation
As we discussed earlier, our entire existence depends on the person next to us. As the Internet continues to grow, our social circles can now be influenced by people thousands of miles away.
The truth is, we need each other. That also means we need each other’s love and care, even if our egos won’t allow it.
Buber offers a wonderful practice for creating more I-Thou relationships. He calls it confirmation. Confirmation is just another word for acceptance. In this, we confirm others as they are while also being confirmed as we are.
That means no conditions to this relationship, no obligations, and no expectations. Confirmation is the meeting between two individuals who see each other through the lens of unconditional love.
Confirmation is very difficult, and those who try to practice it will eventually fail. There’s too much negativity that keeps us from remembering our interconnectedness.
There are plenty of times today when I have to remind myself that the person who just irritated me and I are still one. Instead of separating myself from this person by saying, “I would never do the thing this person did to me. How dare they? Who do they think they are?”, I should still accept them for who they truly are, and not this instance, which holds no meaning.
The same confirmation should go to service workers, the homeless and unhoused, anyone with any physical or mental differences, and just about anyone else with ideas that we disagree with. Mutual treatment of someone in high regard is the only true way to grow authentic relationships.
Inclusion
What happens if you don’t naturally feel connected to another person? There’s another tool Buber calls inclusion.
As we know, empathy is putting yourself in the other’s shoes while trying to understand their thoughts and feelings. Here, we are going beyond the superficial compliment of what we can see to true knowing.
Yet again, something that requires vulnerability. As two or more people gain deeper knowledge of each other, they begin to co-create a relationship that depends on the other to survive.
A nominal example of this is the inside joke. It could be something as joyous as a joke, or even something deeper, that helps me feel more included in your life. It’s the time inclusion we’d like to see in our romantic relationships.
Why can’t we have this in all of our relationships?
Questions and Responses
Think of I-It as the “vending machine” approach to humans. You put in a greeting, you expect a result. It’s transactional, efficient, and—in the corporate world—the depressing norm. You’re a means to an end.
I-Thou is the opposite. It’s seeing someone in their full, messy, unpolished glory without wanting a single thing from them. It’s “Thou” because it carries a sense of sacred respect, the same way you’d regard something truly precious.
Not at all. You don’t have to like what someone did to confirm who they are. Confirmation is the stubborn refusal to let a moment of irritation or a difference in politics dehumanize the person in front of you. It’s accepting them as they are, no strings attached, even when they’re being incredibly annoying.
Empathy is a great start, but Inclusion goes deeper. It’s about “co-creating” a reality. It’s the vulnerability of letting someone truly know you, and you knowing them, until you’ve built something that can’t exist without both of you.
To show the “dark side” of I-It. When we “other” people (treating them as an “It”), it becomes terrifyingly easy to marginalize them, take their land, or reduce them to property. If you don’t see a “Thou,” you don’t see a human; you see an obstacle or an object.
Buber (and the author) would say: probably not. We’re human. We get tired, we get cranky, and we slip back into “It” mode. The goal isn’t perfection; it’s the practice of reminding yourself that the person who just cut you off in traffic is still a “Thou.”